The Amazing Jew

Capettawitz just sent us another zinger!

This gem is called “The Amazing Morty.”

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

“Don’t Miss The Amazing Jew.”

The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the name, ‘Morty’ written on it.

After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded,

“Don’t Miss the Amazing Jew.”

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them.

The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show.

“You’re incredible,” he told Morty, “but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Vell, I tell ya sompin,”

said Morty,

“my eyes ain’t vat dey used to be!”

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Now that’s comedy!

Here are a couple of “zingers” sent to us by our Borscht Beltiest contributor, Capettawitz.

“Morris”

In the late 1930’s, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Germany. He sold all his assets, converted it to gold, and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained:

“We Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”

The customs official shook his head and said,

“Well that accounts for two sets of teeth.  What about the other three?”

Morris then said,

“Vell, us very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.”

The customs official slapped his head and then said,

“You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover.  That accounts for four sets of teeth.  What about the fifth set?”

“Vell, to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”

Here’s a another zing…zing…zinger! I warn you though, it’s shticky:

A Jewish guy in a London Hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for the number: 266419.

A short time later there is a knock at the door, and, when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him:

“Are you the guy who ordered: “two shikses for one night?”

I know. I know. I’m just the messenger.

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Drive Jesus Drive!

I got this from Larry Silverman’s Facebook Notes. Not sure if he penned or pilfered it (like I just did). Maybe he’ll let us know.

What would Jesus Drive?

He might drive an old Plymouth because the Bible says “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

However, in Psalm 83, often called the “Prayer for Israel”, it is suggested that Jesus preferred the Pontiac and a Geo, for the passage urges the Lord to “pursue them with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.

Jesus apparently did not like Hondas. In the gospel of St. John, it is claimed that Jesus said “For I did not speak of my own Accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say.” No doubt, he would have had some apprehension about driving a Pilate.

After wasting a great deal of time researching Bible quotes and others’ thoughts on this subject, I have concluded that whatever car Jesus might drive, it will, no doubt, be a Chrystler.

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A Penis Joke

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80’s and still gainfully employed as a salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy’s for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer.

“Goldstein,” the buyer says,

“You’ve been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Ok, so go ahead and send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose, to the tip of your penis.”

Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy’s receiving dock.

The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells,

“What’s going on?!?

I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full of ribbon!”

Goldstein replied calmly,

“The tip of my penis is in Poland.”

Thanks Capettawitz for Yankel and the Penis Joke!

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A Kick in the Nuts

Another gem from Capettawitz. This one is the late great Jewish comedian Buddy Hackett appearing on The Tonight Show, Starring Johnny Carson doing his bit, The Duck Hunter.

Watch. Click the frame below to Play:


Ahhhh!

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New Jew Review: New Words

New Jewish words. Thanks Gayle!

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change  the baby’s diaper.

Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta  (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up  a conversation with everyone she  passes.

Hebort  (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo  (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of  a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Meinstein  – slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement  (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion  from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen  through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In  extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s  son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep  (v.) To  transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck  (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut  (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident  (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.


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Jim Cramer can suck it!

CNBC’s host of “Mad Money” Jim Cramer — and the entire network — received a well-deserved beat down from member-of-the-tribe Jon Stewart on last night’s “The Daily Show” on Comedy Central.

Cramer was squirming as Stewart showed shocking clip after clip of the Mad Money maven being caught up in lies and in cheating investors and the SEC — all of which caused Cramer to backpedal relentlessly throughout the interview.

Some are congratulating Cramer for his appearance on The Daily Show. While it certainly took balls on Cramer’s part to appear (just to have ’em cut off by Stewart), it does not make up for his transgressions nor those of his mother ship, CNBC.

Be sure to watch all three parts of the interview:


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The Luck of the Jews

Another Borscht Belt-style yuck from Capettawitz:

The Good Luck of the Jews

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives”.

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

“Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,

“Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?

“Oy, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month,” he asks?

“Oy, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.

“I didn’t send that one, either..”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him,

“So, why did you kiss me?”

Abe answers,

“They’ll find us.”


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Jews in Flight

Another schmeer of Borscht Belt-style yucks from, none other than, Capettawitz.

Jewish Joke of the Day

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, Georgia, a middle aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a yarmulke.

Yarmulke at Judaica-mall.com

She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.

“What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.

“You’ve sat me next to a Jew!” I can’t possibly sit next to this strange man. Please find me another seat!”

“Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate you, but the flight is virtually full today and I don’t know if there is another seat available.”

The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man.

A few minutes later the attendant returned and said,

“Madam, the economy and club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First Class.”

Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued,

“It’s only an exception that we make this kind of upgrade and I had to ask permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant person….”

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her and said,

“So if you’d like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat for you in First Class.”

At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.

The lady then said indignantly,

“The Captain must have made a mistake!”

To which the attendant replied,

“No Ma’am, Captain Cohen never makes a mistake!”

The fancy-schmancy yarmulke above can be purchased at Judaica Mall. And, check out Yale grad Justein Chenberger’s yarmulka. It’s deliciously Jewasian!

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Joke of the Day: Crotchless Panties

Here’s some Borscht Belt-style goodness provided by Capettawitz.

Crotchless Panties

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

“Want some of this?” she purred.

“Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear.”

Crotchless Undies

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