Those Wacky Gentiles!

In direct contrast to the barrage of Borscht Belt-styled humor from ObsessiveJew.com’s own Capettawitz, Larry Silverman (such a nice Jewish boy!) has sent us Gentile jokes.

According to Larry, “The funny thing is that one really has to be Jewish, or some part thereof, to “get” these jokes. Very dry, but very funny!”

Let us know what you think.

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says,

“This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?”

The salesman says,

“It’s $500.”

The Gentile says,

“OK, I’l l take it.”

*********************************************************

Two Gentiles meet on the street.

The first one says,

“You own your own business, don’t you?
How’s it going?”

The other gentile says,

“Just great! Thanks for asking!”

**********************************************************

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.

Gentile mother 1 (said with pride):

“My son is a construction worker!”

Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride):

“My son is a truck driver!”

**********************************************************

A man calls his mother and says,

“Mother, I ! know you’re expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.”

His mother says,

“OK.”

**********************************************************

A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant.

The man says:

“I’ll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We’ll both have coffee.”

The waiter asks,

“How would you like your steak and salad prepared?”

The man says,

“I’d like the steak medium… the salad is fine as is.”

The waiter says,

“Thank you.”

***********************************************************

A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks,

“Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?”

She says,

“I’m feeling fine, and I don’t need anything. Thanks for calling.”

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Rick Warren is so fat…

By now I hope you are all up to date on the Rick Warren flap. President-Elect Obama has chosen the notorious Orange County California antigay preacher to give the inaugural invocation. Many online and offline groups are hopping mad and rightly so.
Rick Warren and President-Elect Obama

To supplement the angry emails, phone calls and protests, comedians are doing what they do best: Rick Warren fat jokes!

Comedians Bob Smith and Jaffe Cohen (yes, the same Jaffe Cohen of “I can’t talk now” fame) have stepped up to the (dinner) plate with a bevy of Rick Warren fat jokes.

 

First, Jaffe’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that when they threw him in the coliseum, he ate the lions!!

 

Rick Warren is so fat he looks like he ate Jerry Falwell

 

Rick Warren is so fat he worships the Burger King of Kings.

 

Rick Warren is so fat he was baptized with gravy.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that when he was born again the minister touched his forehead, he fell backward and killed three people.

 

Rick Warren says gay people should control our urges. But he is so fat he looks like he needs to control his urge for snacks.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that If we threatened to make eating between meals illegal, he’d be supporting gay marriage in a second.

 

Now Bob’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that he looks like he ate the leftovers at the Last Supper.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that they’d have to hang him on two crosses.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that his favorite miracle is loaves and fish sticks.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he couldn’t walk on water — if it was frozen!

 

Rick Warren’s a sinner. He covets his neighbor’s donuts!

 

Rick Warren is so fat that his fat ass won’t fit through the Gates of Heaven.

 

Rick Warren is so fat he believes in one God and three helpings.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he supports Proposition 8000 Calories.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he’d believe in gay marriage if it was between a fatso and a gingerbread man.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he would rise from the dead — for dinner.

 

These jokes are copyrighted by Jaffe Cohen and Bob Smith and are used by permission.

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Hang it Up! Part Deux

He did it again!

Just after he called me on my cell phone to tell me he couldn’t talk, he called again and got my voicemail. I happened to be writing the first Hang it Up! post on my iPhone at the time so his call went straight to voicemail.

This time he left a voicemail message saying he couldn’t talk. Like he needed to reiterate that point?

I got it the first time. Really.

The ironic part is that his voicemail was really long. He took a forever to tell me he couldn’t talk. In fact, he couldn’t stop talking. On and on he went about how he couldn’t talk.

You think I’m kidding. I’m not.

Here’s the voicemail. Listen for yourself:

(Click the Image Below to Play)

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Hang it Up!

I just got a call from Jaffe. He called to tell me that he couldn’t talk.

HE CALLED TO TELL ME HE COULDN’T TALK.

Why? Why do people call just to say they can’t talk? It’s a waste of a call folks. And, if you’re calling someone with a cell phone, they are charged for you to tell them you really don’t want to talk to them!

Insulted and charged for the insult to boot!

Lee said it and it’s true: Only a Jew would call to say he can’t talk.

Moral: Think before you dial!

Posted from my iPhone.

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Classic Jewish Comedy – A Tribute to Alan King

Alan King’s classic bit “Survived by his Wife” from Capettawitz:

(Click the Image Below to Play)

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The Borscht Belt

The Borsch Belt: A New Series. Old Jokes.
 

The Joke: “The Parrots”


A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?”

To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who have become very observant, spending much of the day davening in their cage.

He’s confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.

The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi’s house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis, and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer.

Sure enough, as soon as she places her parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?” One of the rabbi’s parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: “Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!”

[Contributed by Capettawitz]

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New Series: Cut the Pop-cultural Schmaltz

Schmaltz of the Day: Snarkiness — the New Irony

I’m sick of snarky. Why must all criticism in mass media be snarky to be considered effective?

My mother and a long line of critical Jewish mothers before her criticized not to be funny, but because they were right. They didn’t care if you laughed, cried or suffered years of therapy as a result. They were right and they would stop at nothing to let you know you were wrong. Simple. Comedy, something I believe was a Jewish invention, now takes the place of having an opinion. Snarky falls squarely in the middle of all points of view.

Myron Cohen

Let the viewer make up his or her mind, they say. The TV personalities and producers that say that, don’t believe it any more than you or me. The viewer has no brain. That’s precisely why he or she is watching television in the first place.

Jon Stewart

And, that is why they choose to laugh at Bush’s malapropisms instead of doing anything about them. So watch the Daily Show (yes, I love Jon Stewart) and watch Colbert but don’t for a second think that by watching you are doing. Like my mother used to say about anything I happened to be doing at that particular moment:

“Alan, don’t you think you should be doing [fill in the blank]?”

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