Joke of the Day: Crotchless Panties

Here’s some Borscht Belt-style goodness provided by Capettawitz.

Crotchless Panties

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

“Want some of this?” she purred.

“Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear.”

Crotchless Undies

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Yiddish is the way to go!

This video speaks, well sings, for itself:

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Facebook’s Jewiest

First in the series, here are some of the Jewiest Names on Facebook, sorted by most Jewy to least Jewy:

Lisa Weinberg-Abramovitz
Stacy Moskowitz Lieberman
Nancy Weinberg Simon
Cori Abraham
Stephen F Weinberg
Jennifer Goldstein
Michelle Adler
Mark D. Friedman
Deborah Kaufman
Laura Silverman
Susan Silverman
Larry Silverman

You should feel free to add your own.

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More Borscht Belt Humor

More Borscht Belt yucks from Capettawitz.

 

They’re oldies but goodies!

 
 

A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’

The drunk says ‘Okay, let’s get started.’

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that ‘Won Ton’ spelled backward is ‘Not Now.’

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A: It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes.’

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.

A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘

Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak.’

The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’

She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’

The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?’

The mother answered, ‘Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, ‘What part is it?

The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband. ‘

The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’

For more on the Borscht Belt, check out Laugh.com.

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MasterSpace

I’ve been wondering what the Nazis would have done if they had invented MySpace or Facebook first.

Brownshirts and stormtroopers could have more easily stayed in toouch.

In answer to the question “What are you doing now?” they could have posted things like, “parachuting into Norway,” “dreaming of more liebenraum” or, as Alan suggested, “sharpening barbed wire at work — ouch!”

What are you doing right now?

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Old Jokes. New Post: The Borscht Belt

This virtual cornucopia of Borscht Belt jokes was sent to us by Capettawitz.

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Tottie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Myron Cohen and others?

Tottie Fields
Milton Berle

You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor if you were old enough? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable? ‘ The man says, ‘I make a living.’

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!’

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, ‘Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ‘ Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’

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Shtick together!

 

Shticking together is the aim of a new-ish Jewish Website called JewGlue. Members of the Tribe post information about Jew-relevant events, books, forums and, on their sister site — JewGlue Dating — they provide a place for nice Jewish boys and girls to meet. I’m not sure, however, if they allow nice Jewish boys to meet other nice Jewish boys or if girls can meet girls. (Click the thumbnail to see the full-size image.)

Registering for JewGlue is free. Free is good. Or is it?

Update:  I thought you might want to see some of the recently registered members of JewGlue before you register — just because it’s free (click the thumbnail to see the full-size image):

Moral: Look before you register!

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Classic Jewish Comedy – A Tribute to Alan King

Alan King’s classic bit “Survived by his Wife” from Capettawitz:

(Click the Image Below to Play)

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The Borscht Belt

The Borsch Belt: A New Series. Old Jokes.
 

The Joke: “The Parrots”


A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?”

To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who have become very observant, spending much of the day davening in their cage.

He’s confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.

The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi’s house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis, and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer.

Sure enough, as soon as she places her parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?” One of the rabbi’s parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: “Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!”

[Contributed by Capettawitz]

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Cohen of Uncertainty

 Are we, the Jewish People, truly competitive, even envious of other people’s suffering?

Oy! You should only know from pain!

Or, is it just shtick?

We’re told we are the chosen people but I think we’re taking that too literally — and only when it comes to suffering. Neither being the schoolyard bully, nor being the nebbishy kid should be worn like a badge of honor.  Yet we, as a people, fight and claw our way up the ladder of suffering, with no end in sight.

For many of us, good fortune and even prosperity are suspect and we wait indefinitely for the other shoe to drop.  Whenever I’m doing well, for instance, and I’m able to take that long-needed vacation, I become convinced that the plane, about to embark to my holiday destination, will plummet to the ground like a tin can.  It’s only when my life sucks that I’m sure it won’t crash.

The Cone of Uncertainty on Jewish suffering has not, as it should by definition, diminished.  

 Cone of Uncertainty

Do we attract suffering? Is it just our self-imposed cultural ethos guiding us toward suffering? Or, again, is it just schtick?

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