Can’t kvetch without you

There’s so much to kvetch about yet I have been a no-show on ObJew lately. I think I’ve let the Los Angeles anti-kvetch automatons get the better of me.

I’m so sick of Ms. Pollyanna Purebread and her minions. How is it that their optimism is so fragile that my kvetching is a threat?  They get so damned resentful that this little heeb can, with a couple of well placed gripes, pierce their WASPY suits of  I-must-be-optimistic-or-cry armor. On top of that, they resent that I consider kvetching to be an art form — though admittedly, a dying art form. They don’t understand that there is comedy in kvetching!

An old friend named Blair recently used a quote from Eddie Hunt as his Facebook status. It read, “LA’s Fine. Nothing terribly bad or terribly good will ever happen here. In NYC amazingly good and amazingly bad things can happen.”

Oy, what a tumult it caused. A band of insecure LA anti-kvetches went ballistic, not realizing that one interpretation of the quote could be that LA is a heck of a lot more even-keeled than New York. New York’s extreme ups and downs — while perhaps tremendously exciting — are, for the most part, the urban cultural schizophrenia most Angelenos prefer to avoid. Angelenos, that’s okay.

Blair didn’t know what hit him when the anti-kvetches began to flame his status message. First there was (LA spokesperson, I guess) Robert C:

ugh…blair, you used to live in Los Angeles…you know better than to make such ridiculous statements. reveals a new york provincialism that at this point in history is just laughable. when new yorkers talk like this their insecurity is showing.

Our insecurity? Really? And, is it provincialism to say what we all know but just can’t say in Los Angeles (and — I know from experience — in San Francisco) that New York is the capital of the world? (It probably is provincialism but let’s move on.)

Of course, I had to take this on. Admittedly I was in a somewhat grumpy mood:

When New Yorkers talk like that it’s because it’s true.

Then I took another swing. A New York right hook — right below the belt:

Face it. LA is a sleepy suburban sprawl that gets up late and closes early. It is a movie-set facade of a city that many people seem to enjoy. They say it takes at least 3 years of living in LA to actually like it. I’ve got two to go…

I thought that was funny. Ed, another one of Blair’s friends, did not. I was told by Ed to:

“hop back on that jet plane to NYC. (Stereo)typical New Yorker.”

Ed did not understand that kvetching = fun! I made up my mind to prove it to him.

To drive the point home, I told him I’d be staying in LA until I was done complaining. Ha! Anyone that knows me knows that that was code for me staying here indefinitely. Suck it Ed!

I also told him to think of my kvetching as punishment for not being able to find restaurants in LA open after 9:30 PM. Major LA kvetch! How can you consider yourself a major metropolis if everything shuts down by 9? Huh Ed?

Next came the Ms. Purebread ultimate (I left her spew unedited):

“we have ,sun,beaches,culture,fashion,film,radio,tv,top ranking colleges,desert mountains,green grass,clean city,oppurtunity,architecture,Inice people,beautiful beautiful people,1 recovery in the world,low stress,cars,every race possible,……LA is just the place for people who already figured out who they are,what they want,andwhere they want to be, and to do it in a beautiful atmosphere…….and don’t have to prove to everyone else………why struggle in the land of cement!!! carry stuff on your back,freeze your ass off,and it doesn’t matter how much money you have…..still complain. Love NYC,to visit,and then get back to real life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why does everyone come here then complain,NYC is NYC,and LA is LA. Dig in and allow yourself to enjoy all that LA has to offer.

Already Ms. Calm-and-Collected LA Purebread is breaking a sweat and her low stress veneer is melting all over the beautifully manicured green LA grass. And, by its rambling nature, we know one thing for sure: She should put down the crystal meth pipe right away. Right away.

But never one to pass off an opportunity to infuriate a crackhead, I hammer my point home, again:

“I guess kvetching is just an art form that is undervalued and so misunderstood here in la la land…”

He shot back,

“…..we have just outgrown it.

Touche. Exactly my point. RIP New York Jewish cynicism, particularly when it rears its ugly head in LA.

One more volley from me:

“Yes. So advanced here. You need a light to tell you when to cross the street. Can’t figure it out for yourself?

Then Ms. Pollyanna Purebread snapped, choking on soured optimism. Oozing from her pores came doom and dread.

“at least the streets r not filed with rats…….clean,beautiful,and green grass. Is life about being advanced,or just the joy and gratttitude to be alive??????? Whats it like to be so advanced?????????? r u discovering any cures,or changing life?

The horror. The horror.

The movie set facade of her life had shattered. Her distaste of me and, by extension all kvetching New Yorkers drooled from her lips. We had pushed her over the pessimistic edge. Her life would never be the same.

I felt vindicated and alive!

And, of course, I felt some guilt. (It’s Jewish law.) Was I really just a pessimist curmudgeon that couldn’t enjoy LA?

During my hiatus from ObJew I pondered that very question. Should I too be an optimist? Should I embrace LA and all of its great attributes?

Nah.

I decided to embrace my inner, and outer kvetch. I decided to complain with gusto as if my life depended on it! I will not let the anti-kvetch automatons win!

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New Jew Review: New Words

New Jewish words. Thanks Gayle!

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change  the baby’s diaper.

Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta  (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up  a conversation with everyone she  passes.

Hebort  (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo  (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of  a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Meinstein  – slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement  (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion  from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen  through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In  extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s  son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep  (v.) To  transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck  (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut  (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident  (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.


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Jew Home Videos

It’s got explicit language. It’s got a twirling penis. It’s got Asians. It’s got racism. It’s got fatties and alcoholics. You may even get violently ill thanks to some shaky videography.

Most importantly, this home video’s got Jews! Here’s “Jews On A Cruise” by Justin Ross Lee:

Facebook doesn’t officially allow embedding of videos, so here’s the link.

Comments?

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Jews in Flight

Another schmeer of Borscht Belt-style yucks from, none other than, Capettawitz.

Jewish Joke of the Day

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, Georgia, a middle aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a yarmulke.

Yarmulke at Judaica-mall.com

She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.

“What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.

“You’ve sat me next to a Jew!” I can’t possibly sit next to this strange man. Please find me another seat!”

“Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate you, but the flight is virtually full today and I don’t know if there is another seat available.”

The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man.

A few minutes later the attendant returned and said,

“Madam, the economy and club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First Class.”

Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued,

“It’s only an exception that we make this kind of upgrade and I had to ask permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant person….”

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her and said,

“So if you’d like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat for you in First Class.”

At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.

The lady then said indignantly,

“The Captain must have made a mistake!”

To which the attendant replied,

“No Ma’am, Captain Cohen never makes a mistake!”

The fancy-schmancy yarmulke above can be purchased at Judaica Mall. And, check out Yale grad Justein Chenberger’s yarmulka. It’s deliciously Jewasian!

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Postmaster of Death

FacebookFacebook recently invented the Web 2.0 version of a Chain Letter. I remember how ticked off I would get as a kid when, upon hearing a bundle of letters being pushed through the mail slot in the front door, I would rush to get the mail only to find that some nebbish of a friend had mailed me a “copy-and-mail-this-letter-to-ten-friends-or-you-will-die” chain letter!

I guess someone complained to the lord of evil — the Postmaster General of Chain Letters — about the “you will die” threats because, all at once, without warning, a non-fatal, “you-will-suffer-bad-luck” version of the old favorite emerged. Thank goodness. Sigh of g-d damned relief! Only my prosperity and long term success is being put in jeopardy. Thank you oh evil Postmaster of Chain Letters for making this critical, and perhaps life-saving change!

As email began to replace snail mail, the email version of the chain letter was invented. What an incredible advancement! And, due to the ease in which most people deluged their so-called friends with “this-email-made-me-laugh-sooo-hard emails,” that, of course, never made you laugh, the high-tech chain letters came fast and furious.

Chain emails stuffed inboxes and inspired fantasies involving weapons of mass destruction for their recipients. Yet the friendly fire SPAM kept on coming, clogging my inbox for what seemed like an eternity.

Now, in its infinite wisdom, Facebook has given the Chain Letter a pretty Web 2.0 face. The latest rage sweeping the Facebook set is a Chain Letter entitled: “25 Random Things About Me.” Your “friends” write a Facebook note on which they write 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about themselves.

Sounds innocent but here’s the evil part: They are instructed by Facebook to choose 25 people to be sent their self-indulgent missives. But wait, there’s more, the person that received the all-about-me Chain Letter must then write their own 25 Random Things and send theirs out to 25 of their friends, including the original SPAMMER or SPAMMERS. I received no less than 5 of these from friends in just one day!
25 Random Things About Me

At that point I felt I had no choice but to write my own 25 Random Things About Me — just to get these people off my back.

Here they are:

25 Random Things About Me

1. It was difficult growing up in a show business family but it taught me so much about dealing with the downside of fame: reporters and photographers dogging you at all times.

2. Sometimes I imagine I’m a child-of-show-business-parent lesbian, most likely Chastity Bono.

3. When I had hair I lived a life of “bad hair days.”

4. I had a ‘Jew-fro’ through all of the 70’s and the beginning of the 80’s.

5. My father told me that the constant blow-drying my hair (I did so every day: 70’s part in the middle and attempting the Farrah-inspired feathered back look) would cause me to lose it. He was kidding, of course.

6. My best friend’s step-mom once told me that taking Chlortrimeton would make me gay. That freaked me out because she knew something I had already secretly — or so I thought — figured out and didn’t want anyone else to know.

7. I once kicked in the pane glass window of a restaurant. I had received extremely poor service.

8. When in summer day camp, I was always picked last (sob) and my team was always ‘shirts.’

9. When in summer day camp, I liked watching the boys on the ‘skins’ team.

10. I was not allowed to preform in the summer camp play during the 4th grade. The punch line was “she was wearing a fur coat.” Apparently my thick Long Island accent caused the words ‘fur coat’ to become much too vulgar for 4th graders.

11. In public school in Queens, my first grade teacher heard me — the class clown — making fun of anyone that would volunteer to be cast as a tree in the school play. So, she cast me as a tree. There were two trees, one on each side of the stage. When it was time for the curtain call, everyone came to center stage. The other tree stood up to take a bow. I tried but I could not get up. My legs had fallen asleep.

12. I have a short fuse, but a long candle.

13. I used to think pasta grew on trees.

14. Growing up I wasn’t sure if my people’s soup was matzo ball or wonton.

15. Due to the harsh economic conditions, I had to fire myself.

16. I miss watching Sue Simmons and Jack Cafferty on Live At Five.

17. I was never on Wonderama — but my sister was. (ABBA on Wonderama)

18. I LOVED Mr. Rodgers (especially Trolley!).

19. I once turned my basement into the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

20. My sister once dressed me up as “Jeannie.”

21. I once created my own Dewey Decimal system for all of my books. Only my sister used my library. She signed out books she wanted to read. I charged her late fees if books were not returned on time.

22. I am not a geek.

23. I shave my head just about once a week.

24. I’d rather talk than write.

25. I like dreamin’ cause dreamin’ can make you mine. I like dreamin’, closing my eyes and feeling fine.

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MasterSpace

I’ve been wondering what the Nazis would have done if they had invented MySpace or Facebook first.

Brownshirts and stormtroopers could have more easily stayed in toouch.

In answer to the question “What are you doing now?” they could have posted things like, “parachuting into Norway,” “dreaming of more liebenraum” or, as Alan suggested, “sharpening barbed wire at work — ouch!”

What are you doing right now?

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Rick Warren is so fat…

By now I hope you are all up to date on the Rick Warren flap. President-Elect Obama has chosen the notorious Orange County California antigay preacher to give the inaugural invocation. Many online and offline groups are hopping mad and rightly so.
Rick Warren and President-Elect Obama

To supplement the angry emails, phone calls and protests, comedians are doing what they do best: Rick Warren fat jokes!

Comedians Bob Smith and Jaffe Cohen (yes, the same Jaffe Cohen of “I can’t talk now” fame) have stepped up to the (dinner) plate with a bevy of Rick Warren fat jokes.

 

First, Jaffe’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that when they threw him in the coliseum, he ate the lions!!

 

Rick Warren is so fat he looks like he ate Jerry Falwell

 

Rick Warren is so fat he worships the Burger King of Kings.

 

Rick Warren is so fat he was baptized with gravy.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that when he was born again the minister touched his forehead, he fell backward and killed three people.

 

Rick Warren says gay people should control our urges. But he is so fat he looks like he needs to control his urge for snacks.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that If we threatened to make eating between meals illegal, he’d be supporting gay marriage in a second.

 

Now Bob’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that he looks like he ate the leftovers at the Last Supper.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that they’d have to hang him on two crosses.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that his favorite miracle is loaves and fish sticks.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he couldn’t walk on water — if it was frozen!

 

Rick Warren’s a sinner. He covets his neighbor’s donuts!

 

Rick Warren is so fat that his fat ass won’t fit through the Gates of Heaven.

 

Rick Warren is so fat he believes in one God and three helpings.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he supports Proposition 8000 Calories.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he’d believe in gay marriage if it was between a fatso and a gingerbread man.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he would rise from the dead — for dinner.

 

These jokes are copyrighted by Jaffe Cohen and Bob Smith and are used by permission.

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What a dump!

Ah Los Angeles.  Sprawling suburbs speckled with strip malls and surrounded by traffic-laden, potholed streets. Freeways are parking lots and public transportation is virtually non-existent.  

Drive to a bar.  You’re done. Now turn on your ignition and cut across four lanes of traffic. But be on the lookout for pigs.

Ah LA. La La Land. You love it here because celebrities live and work here.  Their stars line a street while everyone serves them.

Fun. I know. Because you want to be just like them. And you don’t even know them.

Feels real, right?  

Well guess again.  You’re not the star of your own reality TV program, though it feels that way to you.  

But you’ll find that out the hard way, soon enough.  

You think I’m bitter?  Well maybe just a tad.  

They tell me I will love LA in the requisite two years it normally takes.  But why must I wait so long to like this place, I ask.  They never have an answer.  And I am always scolded for being such an obstinate New York asshole.

And again, I think to myself, that that’s not an answer.

I will try, I tell myself, to like LA.  Just to like it. To acknowledge the good things, like the weather.

But the weather is all I can come up with.  Then, as predicted, I go negative. Oy, the intellectual desolation and traffic. That’s pretty much all there is. Isn’t it?

No. That can’t be it. I know there’s more to Los Angeles.  Hmmmm.  If only…

Wait. I know. Randy Newman. I knew there must be something more!

Yeah. I feel better now.

Let’s do lunch!

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Hang it Up!

I just got a call from Jaffe. He called to tell me that he couldn’t talk.

HE CALLED TO TELL ME HE COULDN’T TALK.

Why? Why do people call just to say they can’t talk? It’s a waste of a call folks. And, if you’re calling someone with a cell phone, they are charged for you to tell them you really don’t want to talk to them!

Insulted and charged for the insult to boot!

Lee said it and it’s true: Only a Jew would call to say he can’t talk.

Moral: Think before you dial!

Posted from my iPhone.

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Whine and Bugs

I’ve been told that I’m prone to whine and whine loudly, like Stewie in the video below, from other rooms in the house.

Also of note is Stewie’s disdain for insects. I too hate the little critters, and my disdain for them comes directly from my mother.  

In fact, the last line, delivered by Stewie in this Family Guy scene, could have indeed been delivered by my dear mother.

(Click the Image Below to Play)

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