Blow me

Los Angeles. What’s as ubiquitous as sunshine, douche-bags in convertibles, taco trucks and shitty drivers?

I’m glad you asked. Leaf blowers. Yes, leaf blowers.

It seems that every Mexican in Los Angeles County is required, by law, to carry one of these infernal devices on their backs.

Leaf Blower

And please don’t email me about being racist. In other parts of the world I’m sure white people, Asians and even Jews have these noisy, polluting pieces of shit strapped to their bodies, but we’re talking LA here.

Admit it. I’m right.

These sloth-inspiring, gas guzzling, smoke spewing, loud-as-hell machines merely move leaves and other garden debris from a highly visible patch of yard to one that is not so visible (perhaps the neighbor’s yard?) — the backyard equivalent of sweeping dirt under the carpet.

But sweeping is usually not loud enough to wake the dead. Leaf blowing, by contrast, is.

Strangely, among the customary gear that gardeners tote around is a rake — a quiet and efficient leaf control device used for centuries. Rakes, like brooms, however, stay in a pile of never-to-be-used tools.

Another maddening fact about leaf blowers is that they are not just for leaves any more. I live next to a Standard Parking garage (I have a list of grievances for that company!) and they now use leaf blowers to blow candy wrappers and cigarette butts from one part of the garage to another.

Again, they never touch brooms. Instead, the Leaf Blower Brigade blows crap around Standard’s two neighboring structures on Sunday nights between the hours of 10:00 PM and 1:30 in the morning, waking neighbors, causing pets to bark and howl and me to whine incessantly to 311.

Do leaf blowers suck or is it just me?

Let me know how you feel about leaf blowers. Log in and leaf a comment.

 

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Kill! Crush! Destroy! Shoot AIG Execs!

I left a Facebook Status Message suggesting that AIG executives that take bonuses be shot for the crime of high treason and here are the many comments I’ve received. Feel free to leave your own here.

 

Alan Klein thinks AIG execs should be publicly humiliated, then shot in a public square for high treason. Oh, and then they should be dismembered.

 
Alan Klein at 12:29pm March 15
Actually, dismembered and then shot!
 
Neal Fischer at 12:36pm March 15
I couldn’t agree more… but… what do we do with the people in our government who are, and have been for years, enabling them?
 
Alan Klein at 12:38pm March 15
They should also be tried for high treason. And, then of course, dismembered, shot and fed to vultures!
 
Alan Klein at 12:39pm March 15
(They shouldn’t go to waste!)
 
David da Silva Cornell at 12:42pm March 15
Why do u want to let them off easy? 😉
 
Alan Klein at 12:49pm March 15
LOL!
 
William Broberg at 1:02pm March 15
I think they should have to forfeit their bonuses to us for cocktail money!
 
John Magisano at 1:22pm March 15
Don’t hold back Alan. Tell us how you really feel!
 
Alan Klein at 2:59pm March 15
With the size of their bonuses we could have two cocktails!
 
Andrew Miller at 6:45pm March 15
You’ve got this all wrong. With their bonus policy, we should all be trying to get a job there….
 
Valerie Nuanes at 7:35pm March 15
yes, yes and yes.
 
John Webber at 12:41am March 16
As co-owners of their business we taxpayers get to fire them, right?
 
Gi Park at 1:47am March 16
Here here.
 
Jonathan Vehar at 9:44am March 16
Can’t we shoot them instead?
 
Alan Klein at 11:23am March 16
They should be shot, but only after they return any previous bonuses to the US Treasury — back to us taxpayers!
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Jim Cramer can suck it!

CNBC’s host of “Mad Money” Jim Cramer — and the entire network — received a well-deserved beat down from member-of-the-tribe Jon Stewart on last night’s “The Daily Show” on Comedy Central.

Cramer was squirming as Stewart showed shocking clip after clip of the Mad Money maven being caught up in lies and in cheating investors and the SEC — all of which caused Cramer to backpedal relentlessly throughout the interview.

Some are congratulating Cramer for his appearance on The Daily Show. While it certainly took balls on Cramer’s part to appear (just to have ’em cut off by Stewart), it does not make up for his transgressions nor those of his mother ship, CNBC.

Be sure to watch all three parts of the interview:


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A Cut Above The Rest

I happen to think that a bris, or any type of ceremony that celebrates the mutilation of the human body, is a shande — a barbaric shande! Not to mention that chopping off the foreskin reduces penile sensitivity, thus making sex less pleasurable.

Keeping the car in the garage keeps its sheen. Same with the penis. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I have foreskin envy. I want mine back! It can be done but I’m not going to delve into that here (Google “foreskin restoration”).

Just try to have this conversation with a Jewish woman. I dare you. Jewish women can not have an intelligent conversation about foreskin. Worse is trying to discuss not having a bris with an expectant Jewish mother. The very mention of the word makes them cringe and gag. They become physically ill and even have trouble with the well-heeled ewww — a word that Jewish women, particularly JAPPY ones pronounce in three or four syllables.

For Jewish women, the “ewww factor” of an uncircumcised penis, on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the ewwwiest) is a 12.

Covenant shmuvenant.

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Postmaster of Death

FacebookFacebook recently invented the Web 2.0 version of a Chain Letter. I remember how ticked off I would get as a kid when, upon hearing a bundle of letters being pushed through the mail slot in the front door, I would rush to get the mail only to find that some nebbish of a friend had mailed me a “copy-and-mail-this-letter-to-ten-friends-or-you-will-die” chain letter!

I guess someone complained to the lord of evil — the Postmaster General of Chain Letters — about the “you will die” threats because, all at once, without warning, a non-fatal, “you-will-suffer-bad-luck” version of the old favorite emerged. Thank goodness. Sigh of g-d damned relief! Only my prosperity and long term success is being put in jeopardy. Thank you oh evil Postmaster of Chain Letters for making this critical, and perhaps life-saving change!

As email began to replace snail mail, the email version of the chain letter was invented. What an incredible advancement! And, due to the ease in which most people deluged their so-called friends with “this-email-made-me-laugh-sooo-hard emails,” that, of course, never made you laugh, the high-tech chain letters came fast and furious.

Chain emails stuffed inboxes and inspired fantasies involving weapons of mass destruction for their recipients. Yet the friendly fire SPAM kept on coming, clogging my inbox for what seemed like an eternity.

Now, in its infinite wisdom, Facebook has given the Chain Letter a pretty Web 2.0 face. The latest rage sweeping the Facebook set is a Chain Letter entitled: “25 Random Things About Me.” Your “friends” write a Facebook note on which they write 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about themselves.

Sounds innocent but here’s the evil part: They are instructed by Facebook to choose 25 people to be sent their self-indulgent missives. But wait, there’s more, the person that received the all-about-me Chain Letter must then write their own 25 Random Things and send theirs out to 25 of their friends, including the original SPAMMER or SPAMMERS. I received no less than 5 of these from friends in just one day!
25 Random Things About Me

At that point I felt I had no choice but to write my own 25 Random Things About Me — just to get these people off my back.

Here they are:

25 Random Things About Me

1. It was difficult growing up in a show business family but it taught me so much about dealing with the downside of fame: reporters and photographers dogging you at all times.

2. Sometimes I imagine I’m a child-of-show-business-parent lesbian, most likely Chastity Bono.

3. When I had hair I lived a life of “bad hair days.”

4. I had a ‘Jew-fro’ through all of the 70’s and the beginning of the 80’s.

5. My father told me that the constant blow-drying my hair (I did so every day: 70’s part in the middle and attempting the Farrah-inspired feathered back look) would cause me to lose it. He was kidding, of course.

6. My best friend’s step-mom once told me that taking Chlortrimeton would make me gay. That freaked me out because she knew something I had already secretly — or so I thought — figured out and didn’t want anyone else to know.

7. I once kicked in the pane glass window of a restaurant. I had received extremely poor service.

8. When in summer day camp, I was always picked last (sob) and my team was always ‘shirts.’

9. When in summer day camp, I liked watching the boys on the ‘skins’ team.

10. I was not allowed to preform in the summer camp play during the 4th grade. The punch line was “she was wearing a fur coat.” Apparently my thick Long Island accent caused the words ‘fur coat’ to become much too vulgar for 4th graders.

11. In public school in Queens, my first grade teacher heard me — the class clown — making fun of anyone that would volunteer to be cast as a tree in the school play. So, she cast me as a tree. There were two trees, one on each side of the stage. When it was time for the curtain call, everyone came to center stage. The other tree stood up to take a bow. I tried but I could not get up. My legs had fallen asleep.

12. I have a short fuse, but a long candle.

13. I used to think pasta grew on trees.

14. Growing up I wasn’t sure if my people’s soup was matzo ball or wonton.

15. Due to the harsh economic conditions, I had to fire myself.

16. I miss watching Sue Simmons and Jack Cafferty on Live At Five.

17. I was never on Wonderama — but my sister was. (ABBA on Wonderama)

18. I LOVED Mr. Rodgers (especially Trolley!).

19. I once turned my basement into the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

20. My sister once dressed me up as “Jeannie.”

21. I once created my own Dewey Decimal system for all of my books. Only my sister used my library. She signed out books she wanted to read. I charged her late fees if books were not returned on time.

22. I am not a geek.

23. I shave my head just about once a week.

24. I’d rather talk than write.

25. I like dreamin’ cause dreamin’ can make you mine. I like dreamin’, closing my eyes and feeling fine.

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Pope Putz XVI

Putz is a Yiddish word that means penis. It is used to describe a fool or a jerk. It is the perfect word to describe The Pope, Benedict XVI.

Pope Putz

He has decided to embrace a Holocaust-denying Bishop in order to, in his words, rehabilitate him. The Pope lifted the excommunication of Bishop Richard Williamson, an ultra-conservative, who recently said “there were no gas chambers” during the Holocaust, and, according to the Huffington Post, the bigoted Bishop recently went on Swedish state television with his outlandish anti-Semitic claims. In the TV interview he said that historical evidence is “is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed.”

Here’s the Williamson interview on YouTube:

Every major Jewish group is demanding that Pope Putz reverse his decision. You can make your voice heard by visiting the Simon Wiesenthal Center‘s Website. You can also visit the Anti-Defamation League for more information.

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Arms Too Short to Read the Box

This is bad. I’m getting to the point where I have to ask my partner to read me the directions on the antacid and allergy medications I routinely take because I can no longer read, or even see the small print on the boxes and bottles.

Menus are becoming difficult as well. And, that can be life threatening. Should I order the wrong meal, then experience digestive tract issues (when don’t I experience digestive tract issues?) and then I can’t read the bottle of Pepto Bismol I’m likely to take not enough of the pink-tasting miracle (not a huge problem). Worse — god forbid — is if, due to my increasingly poor vision, I take too much. Who knows what can happen. I really don’t want to overdose on Pepto. It could be an intestinal disaster! And extremely embarrassing to boot!

They call what I have farsightedness (I don’t really understand that since it means that things close to your eyes become blurry) and there is no cure. There are no pills to take to reverse the affect. All these years taking antibiotics, allergy pills and stomach medicine and there’s no pill for this? How can there be no pills?

Apparently, not even the modern miracle of LASIK can help. LASIK is only effective for nearsightedness (only being able to see close to the eyes) and it doesn’t reverse diminishing eyesight due to age. So, I’m screwed.

Time for a new set of reading glasses.

Now, Fox Television’s “Family Guy” Peter Griffin take on getting LASIK, from a Jew no less (Click the image to Play):


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Brisket with a side of death

This I truly don’t understand.

I’m at Boders books on La Cienega right now. I’m looking at the bargain book rack. On that rack is a section for cookbooks for foods from all nations.

Sounds great, right?

Well think again. Next to the Jewish cookbook, featuring “130 delicious dishes” of the “greatest-ever” Jewish recipes is “The Holocaust Chronicles” –not the most appetizing of combinations!

So a Jewish cookbook and a book about The Holocaust should sit side-by-side?

This borders on major insensitivity and stupidity!

Jewish Section at Borders?

Posted from my iPhone.

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Rick Warren is so fat…

By now I hope you are all up to date on the Rick Warren flap. President-Elect Obama has chosen the notorious Orange County California antigay preacher to give the inaugural invocation. Many online and offline groups are hopping mad and rightly so.
Rick Warren and President-Elect Obama

To supplement the angry emails, phone calls and protests, comedians are doing what they do best: Rick Warren fat jokes!

Comedians Bob Smith and Jaffe Cohen (yes, the same Jaffe Cohen of “I can’t talk now” fame) have stepped up to the (dinner) plate with a bevy of Rick Warren fat jokes.

 

First, Jaffe’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that when they threw him in the coliseum, he ate the lions!!

 

Rick Warren is so fat he looks like he ate Jerry Falwell

 

Rick Warren is so fat he worships the Burger King of Kings.

 

Rick Warren is so fat he was baptized with gravy.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that when he was born again the minister touched his forehead, he fell backward and killed three people.

 

Rick Warren says gay people should control our urges. But he is so fat he looks like he needs to control his urge for snacks.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that If we threatened to make eating between meals illegal, he’d be supporting gay marriage in a second.

 

Now Bob’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that he looks like he ate the leftovers at the Last Supper.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that they’d have to hang him on two crosses.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that his favorite miracle is loaves and fish sticks.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he couldn’t walk on water — if it was frozen!

 

Rick Warren’s a sinner. He covets his neighbor’s donuts!

 

Rick Warren is so fat that his fat ass won’t fit through the Gates of Heaven.

 

Rick Warren is so fat he believes in one God and three helpings.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he supports Proposition 8000 Calories.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he’d believe in gay marriage if it was between a fatso and a gingerbread man.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he would rise from the dead — for dinner.

 

These jokes are copyrighted by Jaffe Cohen and Bob Smith and are used by permission.

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Hang it Up! Part Deux

He did it again!

Just after he called me on my cell phone to tell me he couldn’t talk, he called again and got my voicemail. I happened to be writing the first Hang it Up! post on my iPhone at the time so his call went straight to voicemail.

This time he left a voicemail message saying he couldn’t talk. Like he needed to reiterate that point?

I got it the first time. Really.

The ironic part is that his voicemail was really long. He took a forever to tell me he couldn’t talk. In fact, he couldn’t stop talking. On and on he went about how he couldn’t talk.

You think I’m kidding. I’m not.

Here’s the voicemail. Listen for yourself:

(Click the Image Below to Play)

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