Postmaster of Death

FacebookFacebook recently invented the Web 2.0 version of a Chain Letter. I remember how ticked off I would get as a kid when, upon hearing a bundle of letters being pushed through the mail slot in the front door, I would rush to get the mail only to find that some nebbish of a friend had mailed me a “copy-and-mail-this-letter-to-ten-friends-or-you-will-die” chain letter!

I guess someone complained to the lord of evil — the Postmaster General of Chain Letters — about the “you will die” threats because, all at once, without warning, a non-fatal, “you-will-suffer-bad-luck” version of the old favorite emerged. Thank goodness. Sigh of g-d damned relief! Only my prosperity and long term success is being put in jeopardy. Thank you oh evil Postmaster of Chain Letters for making this critical, and perhaps life-saving change!

As email began to replace snail mail, the email version of the chain letter was invented. What an incredible advancement! And, due to the ease in which most people deluged their so-called friends with “this-email-made-me-laugh-sooo-hard emails,” that, of course, never made you laugh, the high-tech chain letters came fast and furious.

Chain emails stuffed inboxes and inspired fantasies involving weapons of mass destruction for their recipients. Yet the friendly fire SPAM kept on coming, clogging my inbox for what seemed like an eternity.

Now, in its infinite wisdom, Facebook has given the Chain Letter a pretty Web 2.0 face. The latest rage sweeping the Facebook set is a Chain Letter entitled: “25 Random Things About Me.” Your “friends” write a Facebook note on which they write 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about themselves.

Sounds innocent but here’s the evil part: They are instructed by Facebook to choose 25 people to be sent their self-indulgent missives. But wait, there’s more, the person that received the all-about-me Chain Letter must then write their own 25 Random Things and send theirs out to 25 of their friends, including the original SPAMMER or SPAMMERS. I received no less than 5 of these from friends in just one day!
25 Random Things About Me

At that point I felt I had no choice but to write my own 25 Random Things About Me — just to get these people off my back.

Here they are:

25 Random Things About Me

1. It was difficult growing up in a show business family but it taught me so much about dealing with the downside of fame: reporters and photographers dogging you at all times.

2. Sometimes I imagine I’m a child-of-show-business-parent lesbian, most likely Chastity Bono.

3. When I had hair I lived a life of “bad hair days.”

4. I had a ‘Jew-fro’ through all of the 70’s and the beginning of the 80’s.

5. My father told me that the constant blow-drying my hair (I did so every day: 70’s part in the middle and attempting the Farrah-inspired feathered back look) would cause me to lose it. He was kidding, of course.

6. My best friend’s step-mom once told me that taking Chlortrimeton would make me gay. That freaked me out because she knew something I had already secretly — or so I thought — figured out and didn’t want anyone else to know.

7. I once kicked in the pane glass window of a restaurant. I had received extremely poor service.

8. When in summer day camp, I was always picked last (sob) and my team was always ‘shirts.’

9. When in summer day camp, I liked watching the boys on the ‘skins’ team.

10. I was not allowed to preform in the summer camp play during the 4th grade. The punch line was “she was wearing a fur coat.” Apparently my thick Long Island accent caused the words ‘fur coat’ to become much too vulgar for 4th graders.

11. In public school in Queens, my first grade teacher heard me — the class clown — making fun of anyone that would volunteer to be cast as a tree in the school play. So, she cast me as a tree. There were two trees, one on each side of the stage. When it was time for the curtain call, everyone came to center stage. The other tree stood up to take a bow. I tried but I could not get up. My legs had fallen asleep.

12. I have a short fuse, but a long candle.

13. I used to think pasta grew on trees.

14. Growing up I wasn’t sure if my people’s soup was matzo ball or wonton.

15. Due to the harsh economic conditions, I had to fire myself.

16. I miss watching Sue Simmons and Jack Cafferty on Live At Five.

17. I was never on Wonderama — but my sister was. (ABBA on Wonderama)

18. I LOVED Mr. Rodgers (especially Trolley!).

19. I once turned my basement into the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

20. My sister once dressed me up as “Jeannie.”

21. I once created my own Dewey Decimal system for all of my books. Only my sister used my library. She signed out books she wanted to read. I charged her late fees if books were not returned on time.

22. I am not a geek.

23. I shave my head just about once a week.

24. I’d rather talk than write.

25. I like dreamin’ cause dreamin’ can make you mine. I like dreamin’, closing my eyes and feeling fine.

Share

your ads here (468x60) - after 1st post.

Joke of the Day: Crotchless Panties

Here’s some Borscht Belt-style goodness provided by Capettawitz.

Crotchless Panties

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

“Want some of this?” she purred.

“Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear.”

Crotchless Undies

Share

Pope Putz XVI

Putz is a Yiddish word that means penis. It is used to describe a fool or a jerk. It is the perfect word to describe The Pope, Benedict XVI.

Pope Putz

He has decided to embrace a Holocaust-denying Bishop in order to, in his words, rehabilitate him. The Pope lifted the excommunication of Bishop Richard Williamson, an ultra-conservative, who recently said “there were no gas chambers” during the Holocaust, and, according to the Huffington Post, the bigoted Bishop recently went on Swedish state television with his outlandish anti-Semitic claims. In the TV interview he said that historical evidence is “is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed.”

Here’s the Williamson interview on YouTube:

Every major Jewish group is demanding that Pope Putz reverse his decision. You can make your voice heard by visiting the Simon Wiesenthal Center‘s Website. You can also visit the Anti-Defamation League for more information.

Share

Pain in the Tuchus: Yiddish Word of the Week

This week’s word is Tuchus.

Some dictionaries spell it like this: Tuchis.

No matter how you spell it, its definition remains the same. Here goes:

Tuchus (also Tuchis)
noun | slang
Buttocks, rear end, butt

 

Uses: “This job is a pain in the tuchus.” Or, “Irving is working his tuchus off!”

Please feel free to leave us your own uses of the word tuchus in our comments section.

Share

Early Detection Means a Chance to Worry Sooner

Jews have to worry.

We worry therefore we are. And that’s why we invented early detection for many diseases that we really don’t need to know about.

In fact my mother, who’s no slouch in the worry department, told me recently that early detection of many tumors is often harmful because in the vast majority of cases, whatever is detected usually goes away by itself.

In other words the body’s always making tumors but hardly any of them ever cause trouble with us — until we make trouble with them.

Share

Yiddish is the way to go!

This video speaks, well sings, for itself:

Share

Yiddish Word of the Week

In this new series on ObsessiveJew.com we will explore a different Yiddish word each week.

This will either help you to expand your Yiddish vocabulary (though since this is a nearly dead language, that has almost no practical value), or vastly increase your ability to hurl insults at just about anyone for doing just about anything you don’t like (this has immense practical value!).

Our first word is Schmuck.

schmuck (also shmuck)
noun informal pejorative
A foolish or contemptible person. A dimwitted fool or an unwanted guest. A clumsy or stupid person; an oaf.
ORIGIN late 19th cent.: from Yiddish shmok penis.’

Schmucku.com defines a schmuck’s behavior as ranging from “A schmuck’s behavior ranges from pesky and inconsiderate, to obnoxious and manipulative. A schmuck’s personality type ranges from jerk to bastard.”
One site even features a “Shmuck of the Month!” (The site’s most-recently featured schmuck is Joe Lieberman.)

 

From Answers.com: Pronounce Schmuck:
[quicktime width=”200″ height=”100″]http://content.answers.com/main/content/ahd4/pron/S0138400.wav[/quicktime]

Share

My big fat colonoscopy

Jaffe's Colon
I’m currently not eating in preparation for the procedure. I’m not sure why they call this a fast when each moment without food feels like an eternity. Also what makes them think I want to be asleep when they shove something up my butt. They really don’t know me that well. Just kidding.

Actually I’m a top. As I say in my act — a Jewish top — a dreidel. Once a year someone takes me out and give me a spin.

A Jewish Top

Also in reference to the joke about Jews and abortion: Not only is it not wrong to have an abortion, a Jewish mother is technically allowed to nag the child to death until he’s 35.

Share

More KvetchLibs

Kvetchlibs are Madlibs for people (Jews) who always complain. Fill in the missing words to customize your own personal kvetch:

I just had a colonoscopy.  The doctor took one look at my ________ and said “I’ve never seen such a ________!”

I’m terrible in bed. Every time I ________, I ________.

My poor aunt Sylvia. She went to the hospital. They found a ________ in her ________.

We went on a tropical vacation. The weather was so hot, I thought my ________ would ________.

Last year we all went to  ________ and got ________ from eating ________.

My ________ is such a crook! He charged me ________ for ________.

Share

Music makes the world go around?

Jews love musicals. We love watching them, we love to sing along with our favorite show tunes, and, of course, we love writing and producing them!

Jews and Musicals

Asians, particularly Koreans, love Karaoke.

Jews love Asians.

Therefore, you must see this YouTube video of a Korean kid singing Mariah Carey‘s “Touch My Body” or, in Korean Karaoke, “Tuts My Barreh.” It is subtitled — in English — for your amusement.


Share