Jewish Information

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Jewish Information

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.

Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren’t.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. NOTE: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off.  This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
 

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah

Feast

Tzom Gedalia

Fast

Yom Kippur

More fasting

Sukkoth

Feast for a week +

Hashanah Rabbah

More feasting

Simchat Torah

Keep right on feasting

Month of Heshvan

No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.

Hanukkah

Eat potato pancakes

Tenth of Tevet

Do not eat potato pancakes

Tu B’Shevat

Feast

Fast of Esther

Fast

Purim

Eat pastry

Passover

Do not eat pastry for a week

Shavuot

Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)

17th of Tammuz

Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

Tish B’Av

Serious fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)

Month of Elul

End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism

In my heart I am a Jew.

Gastronomic Judaism

We eat Jewish foods.

Pocketbook Judaism

I give to Jewish causes.

Drop-off Judaism

Drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out to breakfast.

Twice a Year Judaism

Attend services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

 
You know you grew up Jewish when:

·      You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was “Princess.”

·      You’ve had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

·      You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef “brisket.”

·      Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

·      Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

·      You’ve experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates and forks trying to get to a deli tray.

·      You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

·      You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

·      You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

·      You never knew anyone whose last name didn’t end in one of six standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

·      You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn’t always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

·      You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

·      You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

·      You can understand some Yiddish but you can’t speak it.

·      You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use  them correctly in context, yet you don’t exactly know what they mean.

·      Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?

·      You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse’s ancestor.

·      You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout “Are you okay? Are you okay?” through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.

·      You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Baruch Hashem and G-d willing, may you have a day full of mazel and shalom!

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Jew Year’s Resolutions

I’d like to define a Jew Year’s Resolution as any promise you make to yourself in the next few days that you will fail to keep in the upcoming year, thus giving yourself one more reason to be disappointed in yourself.

For me, I’ve been concerned recently that I haven’t been worrying about the right things. In other words, instead of being concerned that I’ve been using pot as an anti-depressant — a reasonable health concern — I’ve been worrying these five extra pounds — not a reasonable health concern.

So in 2009 I’d like to resolve to use the time I spend worrying more constructively. I may even try “Jewish multitasking” — which would be worrying about more than one thing at a time.

And you? What are your Jew Year’s resolutions?

Leave us a comment and let us know! (Register using the link on the right-hand sidebar to comment.)

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Welcome Jaffe Cohen!

ObsessiveJew.com is incredibly excited to welcome comedian and writer Jaffe Cohen to the blog! Check out Jaffe’s credits here and look for Jaffe kvetching in new posts and comments as well!

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Jews Who Shouldn’t Sing Christmas Carols

I was driving home form upstate just an hour ago listening too Christmas music on some upstate station, waiting for my favorite It’s a Holly Jolly Christmas. I just love when Burl Ives makes alcoholism sound so wholesome when he sings “have a cup of cheer!”

A cup of cheer? When I was a kid I thought he was referring to dish washing detergent. Now I realize he’s referring to getting shitfaced at a family gathering and messing with young female relatives who happened to wander beneath a plant hanging from the ceiling. A cup of cheer? How many heroin addicts tell their friends to “have a hit of cheer.”  Or crackheads singing have a line of cheer.

Barry Manilow

Anyway, a lovely song came on the radio and I couldn’t quite place the voice. Male smooth. Fiftyish. Oh my god it was Barry Manilow singing something about the joy of seeing his savior face to face! Well I have to say it just didn’t work. I didn’t believe it. I mean, no matter now much Barry tried to convince me how happy he would be to meet the King of Kings — ehh!
 

The only King Barry Manilow ever met was King Kullen when he went shopping for matzo. So I said to myself, that has to be the worse choice of singers for that particular song. But then I remembered Barbra Streisand singing Little Drummer Boy on her Christmas album, wondering what she might bring to the Christ child and I changed my mind.

barbra-streisand
First of all Barbra is so cheap she’d go empty handed to a baby shower. So was Barbra the worse Jewish singer of Christmas Carols? I believe so, Unless perhaps Neil Diamond made a Christmas album. Overall I’d say the only thing worse that Neil Diamond singing Christmas carols in his raspy Jewish growl would be Golda Meir singing Little Star of Bethlehem.

 

In addition, I want to say the only thing stranger than a Jew singing Christmas carols is a Jew writing them. I know. I know. Irving Berlin made millions off White Christmas and that was a whole lot of Menorahs.

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Erev Christmas

Erev Christmas

 

As is tradition for the Jewish people, after sundown tonight Jews will gather and eat treif in Chinese restaurants nationwide.

Chopsticks

Then, as is commanded, we will go to the movies.

 

So, the ObsessiveJew.com poll for tonight is:

 

[poll id=”4″]

 

A Jew (and two goys) On Christmas

As is tradition for Jews on Christmas, we broke bread at a Chinese restaurant: Genghis Cohen in Hollywood.

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Brisket with a side of death

This I truly don’t understand.

I’m at Boders books on La Cienega right now. I’m looking at the bargain book rack. On that rack is a section for cookbooks for foods from all nations.

Sounds great, right?

Well think again. Next to the Jewish cookbook, featuring “130 delicious dishes” of the “greatest-ever” Jewish recipes is “The Holocaust Chronicles” –not the most appetizing of combinations!

So a Jewish cookbook and a book about The Holocaust should sit side-by-side?

This borders on major insensitivity and stupidity!

Jewish Section at Borders?

Posted from my iPhone.

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Happy Chanukah from ObsessiveJew.com!

So tell us, what do you want for Chanukah? And, how will you be spending the holiday?

Let us know by registering and leaving us a comment!

Keep in mind, we care about your needs, of course, but in this economy you shouldn’t expect any gelt from us. We’re just wondering.

Electric Menorah

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Hug Me I’m Jewish

You’ve probably kissed an Irish person after seeing one wearing this: Kiss Me I'm Irish

But if  you’ve never hugged a Jew, now’s your chance!

My old high school buddy Lew invited me to participate in the “Official Hug A Jew Day” (the link is to the big event’s Facebook group). I can’t tell you how excited I am.

Official Hug A Jew DayWell I’m not that excited yet because there’s still so much time until the big event. The event starts on February 2nd and ends February 3rd.

That’s not really all that much time is it? And I have so much to do to get prepared. What will I wear? Now I’m starting to worry. I may need that hug earlier than expected.

No, I’ll wait. I shouldn’t spoil the event.

Now here is how one celebrates Hug A Jew Day:

  • Every Jew that you see you must address with a hug
  •  

  • This is an events for everyone around the world, Jews and non-Jews to hug Jews.
  •  

  • This group is for anyone to join, that is except Jew-haters.
  •  

  • Jew, in this event includes any sect or part of Jewishness (half, quarter, traditional, conservative, reform, orthodox, chareide, chabad, ALL JEWS INCLUDED).
  •  

  • Remember, invite all your friends and lastly everyone, HAPPY HUGGING!!
  •  

And, don’t forget this special note, also from the event’s Facebook group:

some religious jewish people can not touch the other sex so be careful if you have the slightest doubt you may want to ask them if you can hug them

To join the festivities, visit: Official Hug A Jew Day.

Oh, and of course, Jews have both February 2nd and 3rd off from work!

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The other shoe drops.

My friend Richard sent me this holiday stress reliever that I’m sure many of readers will think is in poor taste. Many readers. Hmmm. I should only be so lucky!

Holiday Relief

Click the image to play the game!

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Rick Warren is so fat…

By now I hope you are all up to date on the Rick Warren flap. President-Elect Obama has chosen the notorious Orange County California antigay preacher to give the inaugural invocation. Many online and offline groups are hopping mad and rightly so.
Rick Warren and President-Elect Obama

To supplement the angry emails, phone calls and protests, comedians are doing what they do best: Rick Warren fat jokes!

Comedians Bob Smith and Jaffe Cohen (yes, the same Jaffe Cohen of “I can’t talk now” fame) have stepped up to the (dinner) plate with a bevy of Rick Warren fat jokes.

 

First, Jaffe’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that when they threw him in the coliseum, he ate the lions!!

 

Rick Warren is so fat he looks like he ate Jerry Falwell

 

Rick Warren is so fat he worships the Burger King of Kings.

 

Rick Warren is so fat he was baptized with gravy.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that when he was born again the minister touched his forehead, he fell backward and killed three people.

 

Rick Warren says gay people should control our urges. But he is so fat he looks like he needs to control his urge for snacks.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that If we threatened to make eating between meals illegal, he’d be supporting gay marriage in a second.

 

Now Bob’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that he looks like he ate the leftovers at the Last Supper.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that they’d have to hang him on two crosses.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that his favorite miracle is loaves and fish sticks.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he couldn’t walk on water — if it was frozen!

 

Rick Warren’s a sinner. He covets his neighbor’s donuts!

 

Rick Warren is so fat that his fat ass won’t fit through the Gates of Heaven.

 

Rick Warren is so fat he believes in one God and three helpings.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he supports Proposition 8000 Calories.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he’d believe in gay marriage if it was between a fatso and a gingerbread man.

 

Rick Warren is so fat that he would rise from the dead — for dinner.

 

These jokes are copyrighted by Jaffe Cohen and Bob Smith and are used by permission.

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