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Posts Tagged ‘Yiddish’

The Amazing Jew

August 24th, 2009 1 comment

Capettawitz just sent us another zinger!

This gem is called “The Amazing Morty.”

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

“Don’t Miss The Amazing Jew.”

The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the name, ‘Morty’ written on it.

After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded,

“Don’t Miss the Amazing Jew.”

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them.

The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show.

“You’re incredible,” he told Morty, “but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Vell, I tell ya sompin,”

said Morty,

“my eyes ain’t vat dey used to be!”

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Now that’s comedy!

July 21st, 2009 No comments

Here are a couple of “zingers” sent to us by our Borscht Beltiest contributor, Capettawitz.

“Morris”

In the late 1930’s, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Germany. He sold all his assets, converted it to gold, and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained:

“We Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”

The customs official shook his head and said,

“Well that accounts for two sets of teeth.  What about the other three?”

Morris then said,

“Vell, us very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.”

The customs official slapped his head and then said,

“You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover.  That accounts for four sets of teeth.  What about the fifth set?”

“Vell, to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”

Here’s a another zing…zing…zinger! I warn you though, it’s shticky:

A Jewish guy in a London Hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for the number: 266419.

A short time later there is a knock at the door, and, when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him:

“Are you the guy who ordered: “two shikses for one night?”

I know. I know. I’m just the messenger.

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Jews on a Plane

April 23rd, 2009 6 comments

“Jews on a Plane”

Created by Kent Victor Schuelke and Written by Larry Silverman

Here’s the script:

“Why can’t I carry my bag on the plane?”

“What, no meal? I paid $300 for this ticket and all I get is a little bag of peanuts and a package of Biscoff cookies. I can’t eat the cookies. I have to watch my blood sugar.”

We got better service traveling to the camps than we get on this airline.”

“Stewardess, can I get a blanket?”

“Stewardess, can I get a pillow?”

“Two dollars for some earphones? You cheap bastards. Just give me the fakakta Sky Mall catalog.”

“I didn’t see the seat belt sign. I was in the bathroom. Forgive me for having a small bladder.”

“I should have flown Eastern Airlines to Miami. Now that’s an airline!”

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Who knew!

March 26th, 2009 No comments

What a surprise!!!  I had NO idea such a site existed.   I cant wait to tell the family, all 450 relatives.  Hopefully not everyone will post their thoughts at the same time.  U should kno from such a big family. Half of them are just under the age of 96.  The other half… who knows. And speaking of noses… My cousin rishka has a big one…  I’ll post a picture of that cutie really soon.  Til then have a pickle and a danish everyday.  It will help you balance your checkbook.  A bi gezunt….


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New Jew Review: New Words

March 13th, 2009 No comments

New Jewish words. Thanks Gayle!

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change  the baby’s diaper.

Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta  (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up  a conversation with everyone she  passes.

Hebort  (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo  (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of  a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Meinstein  – slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement  (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion  from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen  through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In  extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s  son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep  (v.) To  transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck  (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut  (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident  (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.


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Jews in Flight

February 3rd, 2009 No comments

Another schmeer of Borscht Belt-style yucks from, none other than, Capettawitz.

Jewish Joke of the Day

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, Georgia, a middle aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a yarmulke.

Yarmulke at Judaica-mall.com

She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.

“What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.

“You’ve sat me next to a Jew!” I can’t possibly sit next to this strange man. Please find me another seat!”

“Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate you, but the flight is virtually full today and I don’t know if there is another seat available.”

The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man.

A few minutes later the attendant returned and said,

“Madam, the economy and club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First Class.”

Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued,

“It’s only an exception that we make this kind of upgrade and I had to ask permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant person….”

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her and said,

“So if you’d like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat for you in First Class.”

At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.

The lady then said indignantly,

“The Captain must have made a mistake!”

To which the attendant replied,

“No Ma’am, Captain Cohen never makes a mistake!”

The fancy-schmancy yarmulke above can be purchased at Judaica Mall. And, check out Yale grad Justein Chenberger’s yarmulka. It’s deliciously Jewasian!

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Pain in the Tuchus: Yiddish Word of the Week

January 26th, 2009 No comments

This week’s word is Tuchus.

Some dictionaries spell it like this: Tuchis.

No matter how you spell it, its definition remains the same. Here goes:

Tuchus (also Tuchis)
noun | slang
Buttocks, rear end, butt

 

Uses: “This job is a pain in the tuchus.” Or, “Irving is working his tuchus off!”

Please feel free to leave us your own uses of the word tuchus in our comments section.

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Categories: Yiddish Tags: , ,

Yiddish is the way to go!

January 21st, 2009 No comments

This video speaks, well sings, for itself:

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Categories: Oy Vey, Shtick, Yiddish Tags: ,

Yiddish Word of the Week

January 18th, 2009 No comments

In this new series on ObsessiveJew.com we will explore a different Yiddish word each week.

This will either help you to expand your Yiddish vocabulary (though since this is a nearly dead language, that has almost no practical value), or vastly increase your ability to hurl insults at just about anyone for doing just about anything you don’t like (this has immense practical value!).

Our first word is Schmuck.

schmuck (also shmuck)
noun informal pejorative
A foolish or contemptible person. A dimwitted fool or an unwanted guest. A clumsy or stupid person; an oaf.
ORIGIN late 19th cent.: from Yiddish shmok penis.’

Schmucku.com defines a schmuck’s behavior as ranging from “A schmuck’s behavior ranges from pesky and inconsiderate, to obnoxious and manipulative. A schmuck’s personality type ranges from jerk to bastard.”
One site even features a “Shmuck of the Month!” (The site’s most-recently featured schmuck is Joe Lieberman.)

 

From Answers.com: Pronounce Schmuck:
[quicktime width=”200″ height=”100″]http://content.answers.com/main/content/ahd4/pron/S0138400.wav[/quicktime]

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Categories: Yiddish Tags: , ,

Jewish Information

December 31st, 2008 No comments

This Getting-to-Know-Jew post was sent to ObsessiveJew.com by Capettawitz. We have no idea where he got it or who the original author is, so please tell us if you know. We’d love to give credit where credit is obviously due.

Jewish Information

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.

Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren’t.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. NOTE: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off.  This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
 

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah

Feast

Tzom Gedalia

Fast

Yom Kippur

More fasting

Sukkoth

Feast for a week +

Hashanah Rabbah

More feasting

Simchat Torah

Keep right on feasting

Month of Heshvan

No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.

Hanukkah

Eat potato pancakes

Tenth of Tevet

Do not eat potato pancakes

Tu B’Shevat

Feast

Fast of Esther

Fast

Purim

Eat pastry

Passover

Do not eat pastry for a week

Shavuot

Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)

17th of Tammuz

Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

Tish B’Av

Serious fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)

Month of Elul

End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism

In my heart I am a Jew.

Gastronomic Judaism

We eat Jewish foods.

Pocketbook Judaism

I give to Jewish causes.

Drop-off Judaism

Drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out to breakfast.

Twice a Year Judaism

Attend services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

 
You know you grew up Jewish when:

·      You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was “Princess.”

·      You’ve had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

·      You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef “brisket.”

·      Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

·      Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

·      You’ve experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates and forks trying to get to a deli tray.

·      You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

·      You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

·      You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

·      You never knew anyone whose last name didn’t end in one of six standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

·      You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn’t always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

·      You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

·      You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

·      You can understand some Yiddish but you can’t speak it.

·      You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use  them correctly in context, yet you don’t exactly know what they mean.

·      Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?

·      You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse’s ancestor.

·      You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout “Are you okay? Are you okay?” through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.

·      You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Baruch Hashem and G-d willing, may you have a day full of mazel and shalom!

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