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Posts Tagged ‘Jewish Humor’

Joke of the Day: Crotchless Panties

January 29th, 2009 No comments

Here’s some Borscht Belt-style goodness provided by Capettawitz.

Crotchless Panties

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

“Want some of this?” she purred.

“Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear.”

Crotchless Undies

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Yiddish Word of the Week

January 18th, 2009 No comments

In this new series on ObsessiveJew.com we will explore a different Yiddish word each week.

This will either help you to expand your Yiddish vocabulary (though since this is a nearly dead language, that has almost no practical value), or vastly increase your ability to hurl insults at just about anyone for doing just about anything you don’t like (this has immense practical value!).

Our first word is Schmuck.

schmuck (also shmuck)
noun informal pejorative
A foolish or contemptible person. A dimwitted fool or an unwanted guest. A clumsy or stupid person; an oaf.
ORIGIN late 19th cent.: from Yiddish shmok penis.’

Schmucku.com defines a schmuck’s behavior as ranging from “A schmuck’s behavior ranges from pesky and inconsiderate, to obnoxious and manipulative. A schmuck’s personality type ranges from jerk to bastard.”
One site even features a “Shmuck of the Month!” (The site’s most-recently featured schmuck is Joe Lieberman.)

 

From Answers.com: Pronounce Schmuck:
[quicktime width=”200″ height=”100″]http://content.answers.com/main/content/ahd4/pron/S0138400.wav[/quicktime]

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Categories: Yiddish Tags: , ,

You Should Only Listen

January 10th, 2009 1 comment

The following are bits of living room chatter heard after a good Shabbath:

Malapropisms:

On the fabulous hour-long, season premiere of the female killer series Snapped on Oxygen (the best show I’ve seen in ages!), the prosecutor said that the perpetrator wished for the victim to be deceased.” Ah. edumacated White Trash prosecutors.

Erik was feeling horny. He expressed his ho-ishness by telling us, “I’m feeling so rancid!” We think he meant randy.

On Religion:

Jesus is not the Son of God. Like any other good Jewish mother, Mary treated him — her first born son — like god. The Apostles just misunderstood.

Scientologists are space alien-worshiping Freemasons.

Martha (not her real name): “In a weird way I wish Tom Cruise was dead.” Ed: “Don’t you mean you want him deceased?” (See above)

Absolutely Meshuga:

Martha: I’m obsessed with an obscure disorder. It’s called Pixie Face Syndrome.

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More Borscht Belt Humor

January 9th, 2009 No comments

More Borscht Belt yucks from Capettawitz.

 

They’re oldies but goodies!

 
 

A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’

The drunk says ‘Okay, let’s get started.’

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that ‘Won Ton’ spelled backward is ‘Not Now.’

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A: It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes.’

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.

A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘

Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak.’

The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’

She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’

The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?’

The mother answered, ‘Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, ‘What part is it?

The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband. ‘

The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’

For more on the Borscht Belt, check out Laugh.com.

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MasterSpace

January 8th, 2009 3 comments

I’ve been wondering what the Nazis would have done if they had invented MySpace or Facebook first.

Brownshirts and stormtroopers could have more easily stayed in toouch.

In answer to the question “What are you doing now?” they could have posted things like, “parachuting into Norway,” “dreaming of more liebenraum” or, as Alan suggested, “sharpening barbed wire at work — ouch!”

What are you doing right now?

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Old Jokes. New Post: The Borscht Belt

January 8th, 2009 6 comments

This virtual cornucopia of Borscht Belt jokes was sent to us by Capettawitz.

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Tottie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Myron Cohen and others?

Tottie Fields
Milton Berle

You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor if you were old enough? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable? ‘ The man says, ‘I make a living.’

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!’

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, ‘Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ‘ Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’

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Jewish Information

December 31st, 2008 No comments

This Getting-to-Know-Jew post was sent to ObsessiveJew.com by Capettawitz. We have no idea where he got it or who the original author is, so please tell us if you know. We’d love to give credit where credit is obviously due.

Jewish Information

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.

Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren’t.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. NOTE: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off.  This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
 

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah

Feast

Tzom Gedalia

Fast

Yom Kippur

More fasting

Sukkoth

Feast for a week +

Hashanah Rabbah

More feasting

Simchat Torah

Keep right on feasting

Month of Heshvan

No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.

Hanukkah

Eat potato pancakes

Tenth of Tevet

Do not eat potato pancakes

Tu B’Shevat

Feast

Fast of Esther

Fast

Purim

Eat pastry

Passover

Do not eat pastry for a week

Shavuot

Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)

17th of Tammuz

Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

Tish B’Av

Serious fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)

Month of Elul

End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism

In my heart I am a Jew.

Gastronomic Judaism

We eat Jewish foods.

Pocketbook Judaism

I give to Jewish causes.

Drop-off Judaism

Drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out to breakfast.

Twice a Year Judaism

Attend services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

 
You know you grew up Jewish when:

·      You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was “Princess.”

·      You’ve had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

·      You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef “brisket.”

·      Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

·      Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

·      You’ve experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates and forks trying to get to a deli tray.

·      You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

·      You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

·      You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

·      You never knew anyone whose last name didn’t end in one of six standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

·      You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn’t always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

·      You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

·      You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

·      You can understand some Yiddish but you can’t speak it.

·      You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use  them correctly in context, yet you don’t exactly know what they mean.

·      Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?

·      You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse’s ancestor.

·      You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout “Are you okay? Are you okay?” through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.

·      You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Baruch Hashem and G-d willing, may you have a day full of mazel and shalom!

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The Borscht Belt

February 24th, 2008 1 comment

The Borsch Belt: A New Series. Old Jokes.
 

The Joke: “The Parrots”


A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?”

To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who have become very observant, spending much of the day davening in their cage.

He’s confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.

The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi’s house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis, and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer.

Sure enough, as soon as she places her parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: “Hi! We’re hookers. Want to have some fun?” One of the rabbi’s parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: “Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!”

[Contributed by Capettawitz]

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Categories: Shtick Tags: ,

New series. Old jokes: The Borscht Belt

February 20th, 2008 No comments

What’s The Borscht Belt (or Jewish Alps) you ask?  Click here to find out.


The Joke: “The Haircut”

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and says, “About 2 hours.”

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and says, “About 3 hours.”

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop again and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”

The guy leaves.

The barber turns to a friend and asks, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he never comes back.”

A while later, Bill returns to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber, looking annoyed asks, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

Bill says, “Your house.”


Check out Laugh.com‘s Borscht Belt pages here.

[Contributed by Capettawitz]

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New Series: Cut the Pop-cultural Schmaltz

January 5th, 2008 No comments

Schmaltz of the Day: Snarkiness — the New Irony

I’m sick of snarky. Why must all criticism in mass media be snarky to be considered effective?

My mother and a long line of critical Jewish mothers before her criticized not to be funny, but because they were right. They didn’t care if you laughed, cried or suffered years of therapy as a result. They were right and they would stop at nothing to let you know you were wrong. Simple. Comedy, something I believe was a Jewish invention, now takes the place of having an opinion. Snarky falls squarely in the middle of all points of view.

Myron Cohen

Let the viewer make up his or her mind, they say. The TV personalities and producers that say that, don’t believe it any more than you or me. The viewer has no brain. That’s precisely why he or she is watching television in the first place.

Jon Stewart

And, that is why they choose to laugh at Bush’s malapropisms instead of doing anything about them. So watch the Daily Show (yes, I love Jon Stewart) and watch Colbert but don’t for a second think that by watching you are doing. Like my mother used to say about anything I happened to be doing at that particular moment:

“Alan, don’t you think you should be doing [fill in the blank]?”

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