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This Getting-to-Know-Jew post was sent to ObsessiveJew.com by Capettawitz. We have no idea where he got it or who the original author is, so please tell us if you know. We’d love to give credit where credit is obviously due.

Jewish Information

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.

Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren’t.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. NOTE: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off.  This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
 

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

There are many forms of Judaism:

 
You know you grew up Jewish when:

·      You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was “Princess.”

·      You’ve had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

·      You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef “brisket.”

·      Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

·      Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

·      You’ve experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates and forks trying to get to a deli tray.

·      You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

·      You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

·      You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

·      You never knew anyone whose last name didn’t end in one of six standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

·      You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn’t always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

·      You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

·      You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

·      You can understand some Yiddish but you can’t speak it.

·      You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use  them correctly in context, yet you don’t exactly know what they mean.

·      Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?

·      You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse’s ancestor.

·      You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout “Are you okay? Are you okay?” through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.

·      You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Baruch Hashem and G-d willing, may you have a day full of mazel and shalom!

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Keep in mind, we care about your needs, of course, but in this economy you shouldn’t expect any gelt from us. We’re just wondering.

But if  you’ve never hugged a Jew, now’s your chance!

My old high school buddy Lew invited me to participate in the “Official Hug A Jew Day” (the link is to the big event’s Facebook group). I can’t tell you how excited I am.

Well I’m not that excited yet because there’s still so much time until the big event. The event starts on February 2nd and ends February 3rd.

That’s not really all that much time is it? And I have so much to do to get prepared. What will I wear? Now I’m starting to worry. I may need that hug earlier than expected.

No, I’ll wait. I shouldn’t spoil the event.

Now here is how one celebrates Hug A Jew Day:

• Every Jew that you see you must address with a hug

 

• This is an events for everyone around the world, Jews and non-Jews to hug Jews.

 

• This group is for anyone to join, that is except Jew-haters.

 

• Jew, in this event includes any sect or part of Jewishness (half, quarter, traditional, conservative, reform, orthodox, chareide, chabad, ALL JEWS INCLUDED).

 

• Remember, invite all your friends and lastly everyone, HAPPY HUGGING!!

 

And, don’t forget this special note, also from the event’s Facebook group:

some religious jewish people can not touch the other sex so be careful if you have the slightest doubt you may want to ask them if you can hug them

To join the festivities, visit: Official Hug A Jew Day.

Oh, and of course, Jews have both February 2nd and 3rd off from work!