ObsessiveJew.com

The following are bits of living room chatter heard after a good Shabbath:

Malapropisms:

On the fabulous hour-long, season premiere of the female killer series Snapped on Oxygen (the best show I’ve seen in ages!), the prosecutor said that the perpetrator wished for the victim to be deceased.” Ah. edumacated White Trash prosecutors.

Erik was feeling horny. He expressed his ho-ishness by telling us, “I’m feeling so rancid!” We think he meant randy.

On Religion:

Jesus is not the Son of God. Like any other good Jewish mother, Mary treated him — her first born son — like god. The Apostles just misunderstood.

Scientologists are space alien-worshiping Freemasons.

Martha (not her real name): “In a weird way I wish Tom Cruise was dead.” Ed: “Don’t you mean you want him deceased?” (See above)

Absolutely Meshuga:

Martha: I’m obsessed with an obscure disorder. It’s called Pixie Face Syndrome.

By now I hope you are all up to date on the Rick Warren flap. President-Elect Obama has chosen the notorious Orange County California antigay preacher to give the inaugural invocation. Many online and offline groups are hopping mad and rightly so.

To supplement the angry emails, phone calls and protests, comedians are doing what they do best: Rick Warren fat jokes!

Comedians Bob Smith and Jaffe Cohen (yes, the same Jaffe Cohen of “I can’t talk now” fame) have stepped up to the (dinner) plate with a bevy of Rick Warren fat jokes.

First, Jaffe’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that when they threw him in the coliseum, he ate the lions!!

Rick Warren is so fat he looks like he ate Jerry Falwell

Rick Warren is so fat he worships the Burger King of Kings.

Rick Warren is so fat he was baptized with gravy.

Rick Warren is so fat that when he was born again the minister touched his forehead, he fell backward and killed three people.

Rick Warren says gay people should control our urges. But he is so fat he looks like he needs to control his urge for snacks.

Rick Warren is so fat that If we threatened to make eating between meals illegal, he’d be supporting gay marriage in a second.

Now Bob’s:

Rick Warren is so fat that he looks like he ate the leftovers at the Last Supper.

Rick Warren is so fat that they’d have to hang him on two crosses.

Rick Warren is so fat that his favorite miracle is loaves and fish sticks.

Rick Warren is so fat that he couldn’t walk on water — if it was frozen!

Rick Warren’s a sinner. He covets his neighbor’s donuts!

Rick Warren is so fat that his fat ass won’t fit through the Gates of Heaven.

Rick Warren is so fat he believes in one God and three helpings.

Rick Warren is so fat that he supports Proposition 8000 Calories.

Rick Warren is so fat that he’d believe in gay marriage if it was between a fatso and a gingerbread man.

Rick Warren is so fat that he would rise from the dead — for dinner.

These jokes are copyrighted by Jaffe Cohen and Bob Smith and are used by permission.