Early Detection Means a Chance to Worry Sooner

Jews have to worry.

We worry therefore we are. And that’s why we invented early detection for many diseases that we really don’t need to know about.

In fact my mother, who’s no slouch in the worry department, told me recently that early detection of many tumors is often harmful because in the vast majority of cases, whatever is detected usually goes away by itself.

In other words the body’s always making tumors but hardly any of them ever cause trouble with us — until we make trouble with them.


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My big fat colonoscopy

Jaffe's Colon
I’m currently not eating in preparation for the procedure. I’m not sure why they call this a fast when each moment without food feels like an eternity. Also what makes them think I want to be asleep when they shove something up my butt. They really don’t know me that well. Just kidding.

Actually I’m a top. As I say in my act — a Jewish top — a dreidel. Once a year someone takes me out and give me a spin.

A Jewish Top

Also in reference to the joke about Jews and abortion: Not only is it not wrong to have an abortion, a Jewish mother is technically allowed to nag the child to death until he’s 35.


Arms Too Short to Read the Box

This is bad. I’m getting to the point where I have to ask my partner to read me the directions on the antacid and allergy medications I routinely take because I can no longer read, or even see the small print on the boxes and bottles.

Menus are becoming difficult as well. And, that can be life threatening. Should I order the wrong meal, then experience digestive tract issues (when don’t I experience digestive tract issues?) and then I can’t read the bottle of Pepto Bismol I’m likely to take not enough of the pink-tasting miracle (not a huge problem). Worse — god forbid — is if, due to my increasingly poor vision, I take too much. Who knows what can happen. I really don’t want to overdose on Pepto. It could be an intestinal disaster! And extremely embarrassing to boot!

They call what I have farsightedness (I don’t really understand that since it means that things close to your eyes become blurry) and there is no cure. There are no pills to take to reverse the affect. All these years taking antibiotics, allergy pills and stomach medicine and there’s no pill for this? How can there be no pills?

Apparently, not even the modern miracle of LASIK can help. LASIK is only effective for nearsightedness (only being able to see close to the eyes) and it doesn’t reverse diminishing eyesight due to age. So, I’m screwed.

Time for a new set of reading glasses.

Now, Fox Television’s “Family Guy” Peter Griffin take on getting LASIK, from a Jew no less (Click the image to Play):