Jews Who Shouldn’t Sing Christmas Carols

I was driving home form upstate just an hour ago listening too Christmas music on some upstate station, waiting for my favorite It’s a Holly Jolly Christmas. I just love when Burl Ives makes alcoholism sound so wholesome when he sings “have a cup of cheer!”

A cup of cheer? When I was a kid I thought he was referring to dish washing detergent. Now I realize he’s referring to getting shitfaced at a family gathering and messing with young female relatives who happened to wander beneath a plant hanging from the ceiling. A cup of cheer? How many heroin addicts tell their friends to “have a hit of cheer.”  Or crackheads singing have a line of cheer.

Barry Manilow

Anyway, a lovely song came on the radio and I couldn’t quite place the voice. Male smooth. Fiftyish. Oh my god it was Barry Manilow singing something about the joy of seeing his savior face to face! Well I have to say it just didn’t work. I didn’t believe it. I mean, no matter now much Barry tried to convince me how happy he would be to meet the King of Kings — ehh!

The only King Barry Manilow ever met was King Kullen when he went shopping for matzo. So I said to myself, that has to be the worse choice of singers for that particular song. But then I remembered Barbra Streisand singing Little Drummer Boy on her Christmas album, wondering what she might bring to the Christ child and I changed my mind.

First of all Barbra is so cheap she’d go empty handed to a baby shower. So was Barbra the worse Jewish singer of Christmas Carols? I believe so, Unless perhaps Neil Diamond made a Christmas album. Overall I’d say the only thing worse that Neil Diamond singing Christmas carols in his raspy Jewish growl would be Golda Meir singing Little Star of Bethlehem.


In addition, I want to say the only thing stranger than a Jew singing Christmas carols is a Jew writing them. I know. I know. Irving Berlin made millions off White Christmas and that was a whole lot of Menorahs.


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Erev Christmas

Erev Christmas


As is tradition for the Jewish people, after sundown tonight Jews will gather and eat treif in Chinese restaurants nationwide.


Then, as is commanded, we will go to the movies.


So, the poll for tonight is:


[poll id=”4″]


A Jew (and two goys) On Christmas

As is tradition for Jews on Christmas, we broke bread at a Chinese restaurant: Genghis Cohen in Hollywood.


Walmart Hates Jews

Well at least Shoprite got it right…

They decided not to break out the birthday hats, horns and barbed wire and resisted the call of the Fatherland to wish a happy birthday to New Jersey’s own Baby Hitler. Walmart, however, showed their anti-Semitic roots by supplying the baby Brown Shirt and his parents with the Nazi-fied birthday treat. Unlike Shoprite, Walmart jumped to the chance to inscribe the cake to Adolf Hitler Campbell. WTF?? Wal-Mart Store

Well actually, it’s not that much of a surprise. Wallmart really hates us.

First they run their “Merry Christmas” assault on Jewish shoppers (and we do shop!). “Happy Holidays,” the inclusive seasonal wish, used comfortably for decades, is simply not Christian enough for Walmart. They see it, as do the Fox ‘News’ crew as an “assault on Christmas.” Hey idiots, it’s not an assault. It’s just that JEWS DON’T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, assholes!!

Walmart just has a thing for Nazis. They once sold tee shirts with Nazi symbolism emblazoned upon them. Strange. Walmart censors CD’s and DVD’s with adult content yet they sell tee shirts with Nazi shit on them? Do they really think that the Jewish community will lay down and take this? Don’t think you can fool us just because you’re selling shirts wholesale!

So go ahead Walmart. Ignore Chanukah. Sell Nazi tee shirts. And, by all means, decorate cakes for Adolf Hitler. But rest assured, we will not take your shit!

It’s simple: Walmart Hates Jews! (Oh, I now have the domain I welcome your opinions on how we can use the site to embarrass Walmart!)

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow weigh in:



Enough with the Holidays Already!

Halloween wasn’t even over before I started seeing Holiday ads (or as Wal-mart calls it “Christmas”) on TV. Enough already! Does anyone start their shopping this early in the season? No! They wait until the last minute like every year! We all know this yet this early proliferation of holiday ads continues. And all that means is that our narcissistic, I-am-what-I-buy culture is  being thrust into a maddening season of mass desperation and depression.

And, as I said to my friend Jim — a fellow Jew — enough with the silly gifts too! I don’t want them and quite frankly, getting presents during the holiday season is nothing more than an imposition. It also obligates me to fall to the out-of-control depths of American consumerism and that’s not right. Like we need an excuse to buy things? Our culture’s answer to everything — even terrorism — is to spend. New Yorkers remember but the fools in the middle of our country (that’s practically everyone!) that Giuliani’s answer to the destruction of the Twin Towers was, “Shop.” So enough with the holidays already!