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Posts Tagged ‘Borscht Belt’

The Amazing Jew

August 24th, 2009 1 comment

Capettawitz just sent us another zinger!

This gem is called “The Amazing Morty.”

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

“Don’t Miss The Amazing Jew.”

The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the name, ‘Morty’ written on it.

After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded,

“Don’t Miss the Amazing Jew.”

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them.

The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show.

“You’re incredible,” he told Morty, “but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Vell, I tell ya sompin,”

said Morty,

“my eyes ain’t vat dey used to be!”

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Now that’s comedy!

July 21st, 2009 No comments

Here are a couple of “zingers” sent to us by our Borscht Beltiest contributor, Capettawitz.

“Morris”

In the late 1930’s, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Germany. He sold all his assets, converted it to gold, and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained:

“We Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”

The customs official shook his head and said,

“Well that accounts for two sets of teeth.  What about the other three?”

Morris then said,

“Vell, us very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.”

The customs official slapped his head and then said,

“You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover.  That accounts for four sets of teeth.  What about the fifth set?”

“Vell, to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”

Here’s a another zing…zing…zinger! I warn you though, it’s shticky:

A Jewish guy in a London Hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for the number: 266419.

A short time later there is a knock at the door, and, when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him:

“Are you the guy who ordered: “two shikses for one night?”

I know. I know. I’m just the messenger.

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The Definition of Chutzpah

May 22nd, 2009 No comments

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

“Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents.”

Thanks Capettawitz!

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A Penis Joke

April 22nd, 2009 No comments

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80’s and still gainfully employed as a salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy’s for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer.

“Goldstein,” the buyer says,

“You’ve been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Ok, so go ahead and send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose, to the tip of your penis.”

Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy’s receiving dock.

The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells,

“What’s going on?!?

I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full of ribbon!”

Goldstein replied calmly,

“The tip of my penis is in Poland.”

Thanks Capettawitz for Yankel and the Penis Joke!

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A Kick in the Nuts

April 22nd, 2009 No comments

Another gem from Capettawitz. This one is the late great Jewish comedian Buddy Hackett appearing on The Tonight Show, Starring Johnny Carson doing his bit, The Duck Hunter.

Watch. Click the frame below to Play:


Ahhhh!

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Those Wacky Gentiles!

March 12th, 2009 1 comment

In direct contrast to the barrage of Borscht Belt-styled humor from ObsessiveJew.com’s own Capettawitz, Larry Silverman (such a nice Jewish boy!) has sent us Gentile jokes.

According to Larry, “The funny thing is that one really has to be Jewish, or some part thereof, to “get” these jokes. Very dry, but very funny!”

Let us know what you think.

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says,

“This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?”

The salesman says,

“It’s $500.”

The Gentile says,

“OK, I’l l take it.”

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Two Gentiles meet on the street.

The first one says,

“You own your own business, don’t you?
How’s it going?”

The other gentile says,

“Just great! Thanks for asking!”

**********************************************************

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.

Gentile mother 1 (said with pride):

“My son is a construction worker!”

Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride):

“My son is a truck driver!”

**********************************************************

A man calls his mother and says,

“Mother, I ! know you’re expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.”

His mother says,

“OK.”

**********************************************************

A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant.

The man says:

“I’ll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We’ll both have coffee.”

The waiter asks,

“How would you like your steak and salad prepared?”

The man says,

“I’d like the steak medium… the salad is fine as is.”

The waiter says,

“Thank you.”

***********************************************************

A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks,

“Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?”

She says,

“I’m feeling fine, and I don’t need anything. Thanks for calling.”

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The Luck of the Jews

March 6th, 2009 No comments

Another Borscht Belt-style yuck from Capettawitz:

The Good Luck of the Jews

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives”.

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

“Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,

“Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?

“Oy, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month,” he asks?

“Oy, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.

“I didn’t send that one, either..”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him,

“So, why did you kiss me?”

Abe answers,

“They’ll find us.”


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Jews in Flight

February 3rd, 2009 No comments

Another schmeer of Borscht Belt-style yucks from, none other than, Capettawitz.

Jewish Joke of the Day

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, Georgia, a middle aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a yarmulke.

Yarmulke at Judaica-mall.com

She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.

“What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.

“You’ve sat me next to a Jew!” I can’t possibly sit next to this strange man. Please find me another seat!”

“Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate you, but the flight is virtually full today and I don’t know if there is another seat available.”

The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man.

A few minutes later the attendant returned and said,

“Madam, the economy and club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First Class.”

Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued,

“It’s only an exception that we make this kind of upgrade and I had to ask permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant person….”

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her and said,

“So if you’d like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat for you in First Class.”

At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.

The lady then said indignantly,

“The Captain must have made a mistake!”

To which the attendant replied,

“No Ma’am, Captain Cohen never makes a mistake!”

The fancy-schmancy yarmulke above can be purchased at Judaica Mall. And, check out Yale grad Justein Chenberger’s yarmulka. It’s deliciously Jewasian!

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Joke of the Day: Crotchless Panties

January 29th, 2009 No comments

Here’s some Borscht Belt-style goodness provided by Capettawitz.

Crotchless Panties

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

“Want some of this?” she purred.

“Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear.”

Crotchless Undies

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More Borscht Belt Humor

January 9th, 2009 No comments

More Borscht Belt yucks from Capettawitz.

 

They’re oldies but goodies!

 
 

A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’

The drunk says ‘Okay, let’s get started.’

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that ‘Won Ton’ spelled backward is ‘Not Now.’

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A: It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes.’

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.

A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘

Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak.’

The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’

She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’

The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?’

The mother answered, ‘Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, ‘What part is it?

The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband. ‘

The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’

For more on the Borscht Belt, check out Laugh.com.

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