ObsessiveJew.com

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80′s and still gainfully employed as a salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy’s for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer.

“Goldstein,” the buyer says,

“You’ve been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Ok, so go ahead and send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose, to the tip of your penis.”

Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy’s receiving dock.

The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells,

“What’s going on?!?

I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full of ribbon!”

Goldstein replied calmly,

“The tip of my penis is in Poland.”

Thanks Capettawitz for Yankel and the Penis Joke!

The NFL schedule is a problem for the Jets.

Watch this clip from Jimmy Kimmel Live:

Another gem from Capettawitz. This one is the late great Jewish comedian Buddy Hackett appearing on The Tonight Show, Starring Johnny Carson doing his bit, The Duck Hunter.

Watch. Click the frame below to Play:

Ahhhh!

Just wanted to remind everyone we are opening the first of 50 new laundromats in the San Fernando Valley and Brooklyn.  

Keep your eyes peeled and your tushies close to the ground.  I’ll have grand opening coupons for a free “fluff and fold” in just a few weeks when they get back from my Uncle Mishka’s printing press.

He’s having the whole thing overhauled in a few weeks right after his 106th birthday. What a blessing.  

‘Til then, a bi guzent…

What a surprise!!!  I had NO idea such a site existed.   I cant wait to tell the family, all 450 relatives.  Hopefully not everyone will post their thoughts at the same time.  U should kno from such a big family. Half of them are just under the age of 96.  The other half… who knows. And speaking of noses… My cousin rishka has a big one…  I’ll post a picture of that cutie really soon.  Til then have a pickle and a danish everyday.  It will help you balance your checkbook.  A bi gezunt….

I left a Facebook Status Message suggesting that AIG executives that take bonuses be shot for the crime of high treason and here are the many comments I’ve received. Feel free to leave your own here.

Alan Klein thinks AIG execs should be publicly humiliated, then shot in a public square for high treason. Oh, and then they should be dismembered.

Alan Klein at 12:29pm March 15

Actually, dismembered and then shot!

Neal Fischer at 12:36pm March 15

I couldn’t agree more… but… what do we do with the people in our government who are, and have been for years, enabling them?

Alan Klein at 12:38pm March 15

They should also be tried for high treason. And, then of course, dismembered, shot and fed to vultures!

Alan Klein at 12:39pm March 15

(They shouldn’t go to waste!)

David da Silva Cornell at 12:42pm March 15

Why do u want to let them off easy?

Alan Klein at 12:49pm March 15

LOL!

William Broberg at 1:02pm March 15

I think they should have to forfeit their bonuses to us for cocktail money!

John Magisano at 1:22pm March 15

Don’t hold back Alan. Tell us how you really feel!

Alan Klein at 2:59pm March 15

With the size of their bonuses we could have two cocktails!

Andrew Miller at 6:45pm March 15

You’ve got this all wrong. With their bonus policy, we should all be trying to get a job there….

Valerie Nuanes at 7:35pm March 15

yes, yes and yes.

John Webber at 12:41am March 16

As co-owners of their business we taxpayers get to fire them, right?

Gi Park at 1:47am March 16

Here here.

Jonathan Vehar at 9:44am March 16

Can’t we shoot them instead?

Alan Klein at 11:23am March 16

They should be shot, but only after they return any previous bonuses to the US Treasury — back to us taxpayers!

New Jewish words. Thanks Gayle!

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change  the baby’s diaper.

Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta  (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up  a conversation with everyone she  passes.

Hebort  (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo  (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of  a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Meinstein  - slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement  (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion  from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen  through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In  extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s  son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep  (v.) To  transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck  (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut  (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident  (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.

CNBC’s host of “Mad Money” Jim Cramer — and the entire network — received a well-deserved beat down from member-of-the-tribe Jon Stewart on last night’s “The Daily Show” on Comedy Central.

Cramer was squirming as Stewart showed shocking clip after clip of the Mad Money maven being caught up in lies and in cheating investors and the SEC — all of which caused Cramer to backpedal relentlessly throughout the interview.

Some are congratulating Cramer for his appearance on The Daily Show. While it certainly took balls on Cramer’s part to appear (just to have ‘em cut off by Stewart), it does not make up for his transgressions nor those of his mother ship, CNBC.

Be sure to watch all three parts of the interview:

It’s got explicit language. It’s got a twirling penis. It’s got Asians. It’s got racism. It’s got fatties and alcoholics. You may even get violently ill thanks to some shaky videography.

Most importantly, this home video’s got Jews! Here’s “Jews On A Cruise” by Justin Ross Lee:

Facebook doesn’t officially allow embedding of videos, so here’s the link.

Comments?

In direct contrast to the barrage of Borscht Belt-styled humor from ObsessiveJew.com’s own Capettawitz, Larry Silverman (such a nice Jewish boy!) has sent us Gentile jokes.

According to Larry, “The funny thing is that one really has to be Jewish, or some part thereof, to “get” these jokes. Very dry, but very funny!”

Let us know what you think.

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says,

“This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?”

The salesman says,

“It’s $500.”

The Gentile says,

“OK, I’l l take it.”

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Two Gentiles meet on the street.

The first one says,

“You own your own business, don’t you?
How’s it going?”

The other gentile says,

“Just great! Thanks for asking!”

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Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.

Gentile mother 1 (said with pride):

“My son is a construction worker!”

Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride):

“My son is a truck driver!”

**********************************************************

A man calls his mother and says,

“Mother, I ! know you’re expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.”

His mother says,

“OK.”

**********************************************************

A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant.

The man says:

“I’ll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We’ll both have coffee.”

The waiter asks,

“How would you like your steak and salad prepared?”

The man says,

“I’d like the steak medium… the salad is fine as is.”

The waiter says,

“Thank you.”

***********************************************************

A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks,

“Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?”

She says,

“I’m feeling fine, and I don’t need anything. Thanks for calling.”