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The Amazing Jew

August 24th, 2009 1 comment

Capettawitz just sent us another zinger!

This gem is called “The Amazing Morty.”

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

“Don’t Miss The Amazing Jew.”

The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the name, ‘Morty’ written on it.

After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded,

“Don’t Miss the Amazing Jew.”

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them.

The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show.

“You’re incredible,” he told Morty, “but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Vell, I tell ya sompin,”

said Morty,

“my eyes ain’t vat dey used to be!”

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Now that’s comedy!

July 21st, 2009 No comments

Here are a couple of “zingers” sent to us by our Borscht Beltiest contributor, Capettawitz.

“Morris”

In the late 1930’s, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Germany. He sold all his assets, converted it to gold, and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained:

“We Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”

The customs official shook his head and said,

“Well that accounts for two sets of teeth.  What about the other three?”

Morris then said,

“Vell, us very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.”

The customs official slapped his head and then said,

“You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover.  That accounts for four sets of teeth.  What about the fifth set?”

“Vell, to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”

Here’s a another zing…zing…zinger! I warn you though, it’s shticky:

A Jewish guy in a London Hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for the number: 266419.

A short time later there is a knock at the door, and, when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him:

“Are you the guy who ordered: “two shikses for one night?”

I know. I know. I’m just the messenger.

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The Folks Visit LA: The Exodus

April 22nd, 2009 No comments

The Folks Visit LA “The Exodus”

This is the content of my Facebook discussion about my status message posted early today.

Alan Klein

Alan Klein Today is the final chapter of The-Folks-Visit-LA. Why is it a moral imperative for Jews to find restaurants even while at other restaurants? 10:32am


Larry Silverman
Larry Silverman at 10:37am April 22
9:30 in the morning and they’re already planning dinner? Yeah, those are some Jewie parents.
Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 10:41am April 22
Dinner?? Sure but they’re already planning tomorrow’s breakfast before they leave for the airport. And if they ask one more time how long it will take to get to Burbank airport….
Larry Silverman
Larry Silverman at 12:05pm April 22
Have they yet suggested a “dry run” to make sure you know how to get to the airport?
Lauren Kolman
Lauren Kolman at 2:37pm April 22
they just have to be prepared…any meal could be the last one…
Michael Lavinger
Michael Lavinger at 4:13pm April 22
while still attached to the web he’s swinging on, spiderman has to shoot his next web.

perhaps it’s related. after all, with great restaurants comes great responsibility.

Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 6:12pm April 22
So we finally settled on a restaurant for tonight. Now, by settled, I mean they changed their mind about 3 or 4 times prior to ‘settling.’ I’m happy with the pick though.

And, they did ask about the trip to the Burbank airport again. Not once. Not twice but 3 times. They’ve been asking not only me, but Lee and friends how long it takes to get to the airport from their hotel from the moment they landed here in LA. I’m sure they will ask again at dinner tonight. I’m shaking thinking about it.

Larry Silverman
Larry Silverman at 6:48pm April 22
Hotel? You made your poor mother stay in a hotel? oy.
Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 7:06pm April 22
OMFG! This is for their own good. Trust me.
Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 7:07pm April 22
They dropped me off no more than 30 minutes ago and they’ve already called to check on the plans.
Valerie Nuanes
Valerie Nuanes at 7:17pm April 22
Ok, so i’m late w/comments, but, did they ask you which was the best way to get to the airport and when should they leave because of traffic? Did they tell you what the traffic’s like at that time of day at home?
Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 7:27pm April 22
Yes, it was presumably about traffic. But it was asked and answered. Then it was asked and answered again. Asked and answered some more, then asked to several other people that answered the question. They asked their old friends. They asked me again. They asked Lee again. They asked the tour operator yesterday. When they met another friend earlier today, guess what they asked? And it was answered again. Then, in the car, just a little while ago, take a wild guess what came up? Not to be impolite, I answered. I’m going nuts because I can’t stop thinking that they will ask again, over dinner.

Lauren Kolman
Lauren Kolman at 7:06am April 23
i had the same experience…..ive lived here 9 yeaers…but my restaurant recommmendation wasnt good enough….my stepmother had to call three freinds and confirm my choice…
Tom Leone
Tom Leone at 2:23pm April 23 via Facebook Mobile
You should have yelled out “Burbank Airport? Where is that? (It’s now called the Bob Hope Airport). This would have led to another round of inquires and repetitive checking of tickets. 🙂
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Who knew!

March 26th, 2009 No comments

What a surprise!!!  I had NO idea such a site existed.   I cant wait to tell the family, all 450 relatives.  Hopefully not everyone will post their thoughts at the same time.  U should kno from such a big family. Half of them are just under the age of 96.  The other half… who knows. And speaking of noses… My cousin rishka has a big one…  I’ll post a picture of that cutie really soon.  Til then have a pickle and a danish everyday.  It will help you balance your checkbook.  A bi gezunt….


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New Jew Review: New Words

March 13th, 2009 No comments

New Jewish words. Thanks Gayle!

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change  the baby’s diaper.

Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta  (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up  a conversation with everyone she  passes.

Hebort  (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo  (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of  a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Meinstein  – slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement  (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion  from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen  through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In  extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s  son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep  (v.) To  transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck  (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut  (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident  (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.


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Early Detection Means a Chance to Worry Sooner

January 22nd, 2009 No comments

Jews have to worry.

We worry therefore we are. And that’s why we invented early detection for many diseases that we really don’t need to know about.

In fact my mother, who’s no slouch in the worry department, told me recently that early detection of many tumors is often harmful because in the vast majority of cases, whatever is detected usually goes away by itself.

In other words the body’s always making tumors but hardly any of them ever cause trouble with us — until we make trouble with them.

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Yiddish is the way to go!

January 21st, 2009 No comments

This video speaks, well sings, for itself:

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Categories: Oy Vey, Shtick, Yiddish Tags: ,

IE. Oy Vey!

January 14th, 2009 No comments

After a morning of troubleshooting, it seems that ObsessiveJew.com is once again working with Microsoft Internet Explorer versions 6 and 7. Many visitors to the site that use Internet Explorer were getting a message that our site could not be loaded and the browser would simply abort.

We have hopefully fixed that issue thanks to the smarties on the WordPress Forums, and we thank them for their invaluable support!

Please let us know if you continue to have problems by using our “Contact Us” page here.

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Categories: Dreck, Oy Vey Tags: ,

All-ergies; Everything to Sneeze At!

January 7th, 2009 1 comment

Moving

Oy, what a week. I had to move out of my place in Culver City (that’s a story for another blog post). I hate moving. Packing really butts up against my obsessive-compulsive disorder. It takes me hours, it seems, to pack a box. First I must sort and then clean everything going into the box — even electrical cables get Windexed prior to boxing.

Needless to say my grumpy Korean partner became even more grumpy (and, by extension I suppose, more Korean) and threatened to pack those dirty cables if I didn’t pick up the pace. Of course I couldn’t have that. He won. I picked up the pace. At least I convinced him to label the boxes, another OCD-inspired affliction of mine.

So we finally finished, packed our possessions in a U-Haul and unloaded them in a friend’s garage in Silver Lake, where we will be staying temporarily. We finished rather late in the evening. Both exhausted, we headed for bed. Not our bed, of course, but Maria’s guest bed. It’s comfortable but a full-size. A tad too small for the two of us. We made do.

What I couldn’t hack, however, was the down pillow I found under my head. I asked Lee to switch pillows with me. His was a poly-filled, hypoallergenic number. I had to have it! I made the move for a pillow switch. Grumpily, he asked what I was doing (the maneuver must have awakened him, but this was a matter of life or sneezing!). I explained that I was allergic to feather pillows. Allergies

He was perplexed. Not only could he not understand how someone could be allergic to feathers, he couldn’t fathom how I even knew I was.

I explained that at an early age, perhaps four or five years old, my mother told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was allergic to everything. There was nothing on the face of the earth that would make me sneeze and features were just the tip of the Greenberg (iceberg).

Dust, mold, mildew, grass, pollen, dust mites, bees, you name it. They all contributed to my bouts with hay fever. And if the mere suggestion of being allergic to everything wasn’t enough, I was taken by my mother each week to the allergist for shots for all of these supposed allergens.

A scratch test, when an allergist literally scratches allergens on a patient’s arm and then waits for a reaction, is the typical method of discovering whether or not one has allergies. I did not have scratch tests, however. My doctor and I relied on my Jewish mother’s word. In those days a Jewish mother’s word trumped any test any doctor could perform.

From childhood on, my experience with allergies has been a constant and arduous process of elimination: To find out what doesn’t make me wheeze.

Sneeze graphic from: Allergy Help.


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Happy New Year! Now worry.

January 1st, 2009 No comments

I know you are probably still completely exhausted from kvetching about how awful 2008 was, and I’m sure you are sick of hearing how 2009 couldn’t be worse. But it can. And here’s how: The Life Expectancy Calculator (thanks Capettawitz!).

There’s no time like the present to worry about the future. So take this opportunity to plot the age at which you may, well, expire.

According to Peter Russell’s Website, The Spirit of Now, “your Virtual Age is a reflection of your health and vitality. The lower your Virtual Age the better shape you are in. It is used to calculate the Life Expectancy of someone of your current physical age.”

So try it out. See how long you may live.


Virtual Age Calculator Created by Poodwaddle.com

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Categories: Kvetch, Oy Vey, Tsuris Tags: , , ,