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Postmaster of Death

January 30th, 2009 No comments

FacebookFacebook recently invented the Web 2.0 version of a Chain Letter. I remember how ticked off I would get as a kid when, upon hearing a bundle of letters being pushed through the mail slot in the front door, I would rush to get the mail only to find that some nebbish of a friend had mailed me a “copy-and-mail-this-letter-to-ten-friends-or-you-will-die” chain letter!

I guess someone complained to the lord of evil — the Postmaster General of Chain Letters — about the “you will die” threats because, all at once, without warning, a non-fatal, “you-will-suffer-bad-luck” version of the old favorite emerged. Thank goodness. Sigh of g-d damned relief! Only my prosperity and long term success is being put in jeopardy. Thank you oh evil Postmaster of Chain Letters for making this critical, and perhaps life-saving change!

As email began to replace snail mail, the email version of the chain letter was invented. What an incredible advancement! And, due to the ease in which most people deluged their so-called friends with “this-email-made-me-laugh-sooo-hard emails,” that, of course, never made you laugh, the high-tech chain letters came fast and furious.

Chain emails stuffed inboxes and inspired fantasies involving weapons of mass destruction for their recipients. Yet the friendly fire SPAM kept on coming, clogging my inbox for what seemed like an eternity.

Now, in its infinite wisdom, Facebook has given the Chain Letter a pretty Web 2.0 face. The latest rage sweeping the Facebook set is a Chain Letter entitled: “25 Random Things About Me.” Your “friends” write a Facebook note on which they write 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about themselves.

Sounds innocent but here’s the evil part: They are instructed by Facebook to choose 25 people to be sent their self-indulgent missives. But wait, there’s more, the person that received the all-about-me Chain Letter must then write their own 25 Random Things and send theirs out to 25 of their friends, including the original SPAMMER or SPAMMERS. I received no less than 5 of these from friends in just one day!
25 Random Things About Me

At that point I felt I had no choice but to write my own 25 Random Things About Me — just to get these people off my back.

Here they are:

25 Random Things About Me

1. It was difficult growing up in a show business family but it taught me so much about dealing with the downside of fame: reporters and photographers dogging you at all times.

2. Sometimes I imagine I’m a child-of-show-business-parent lesbian, most likely Chastity Bono.

3. When I had hair I lived a life of “bad hair days.”

4. I had a ‘Jew-fro’ through all of the 70’s and the beginning of the 80’s.

5. My father told me that the constant blow-drying my hair (I did so every day: 70’s part in the middle and attempting the Farrah-inspired feathered back look) would cause me to lose it. He was kidding, of course.

6. My best friend’s step-mom once told me that taking Chlortrimeton would make me gay. That freaked me out because she knew something I had already secretly — or so I thought — figured out and didn’t want anyone else to know.

7. I once kicked in the pane glass window of a restaurant. I had received extremely poor service.

8. When in summer day camp, I was always picked last (sob) and my team was always ‘shirts.’

9. When in summer day camp, I liked watching the boys on the ‘skins’ team.

10. I was not allowed to preform in the summer camp play during the 4th grade. The punch line was “she was wearing a fur coat.” Apparently my thick Long Island accent caused the words ‘fur coat’ to become much too vulgar for 4th graders.

11. In public school in Queens, my first grade teacher heard me — the class clown — making fun of anyone that would volunteer to be cast as a tree in the school play. So, she cast me as a tree. There were two trees, one on each side of the stage. When it was time for the curtain call, everyone came to center stage. The other tree stood up to take a bow. I tried but I could not get up. My legs had fallen asleep.

12. I have a short fuse, but a long candle.

13. I used to think pasta grew on trees.

14. Growing up I wasn’t sure if my people’s soup was matzo ball or wonton.

15. Due to the harsh economic conditions, I had to fire myself.

16. I miss watching Sue Simmons and Jack Cafferty on Live At Five.

17. I was never on Wonderama — but my sister was. (ABBA on Wonderama)

18. I LOVED Mr. Rodgers (especially Trolley!).

19. I once turned my basement into the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

20. My sister once dressed me up as “Jeannie.”

21. I once created my own Dewey Decimal system for all of my books. Only my sister used my library. She signed out books she wanted to read. I charged her late fees if books were not returned on time.

22. I am not a geek.

23. I shave my head just about once a week.

24. I’d rather talk than write.

25. I like dreamin’ cause dreamin’ can make you mine. I like dreamin’, closing my eyes and feeling fine.

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Facebook’s Jewiest

January 13th, 2009 No comments

First in the series, here are some of the Jewiest Names on Facebook, sorted by most Jewy to least Jewy:

Lisa Weinberg-Abramovitz
Stacy Moskowitz Lieberman
Nancy Weinberg Simon
Cori Abraham
Stephen F Weinberg
Jennifer Goldstein
Michelle Adler
Mark D. Friedman
Deborah Kaufman
Laura Silverman
Susan Silverman
Larry Silverman

You should feel free to add your own.

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Good to the last drop! But not in my bathroom!

January 3rd, 2008 No comments

So what I’m going to tell you actually happened on the 7th day of Hanukkah, December 11th, but I’ve been too depressed to blog. Everyone says that being depressed is actually the best time to blog, but that’s a blog topic for another blog post… Menorah

 

 

So back to what I was telling you. You already know, or you should, that I’ve been forced to live with my mother and stepfather due to a horrible moving mishap. And you may not know that while my mother is a lovely, intelligent, intuitive person that looks incredible for her age, she is also insane.

I’m absolutely sure she is obsessive compulsive, to a fault. And she has a Type-A+++ personality. She is overbearing, as any OCD, ADD Jewish Mother should be, and I am the object of her domineering need to obliterate me with her love. (Reading this would kill her!)

The Flying Nun

 

 

 

For more than 2 weeks I had been putting up with the Hovering Jewish Mother (Sally Field’s Flying Nun has nothing on my mom!) when she finally broke the camel’s back with that proverbial straw. I had just returned from taking a tinkle to “my” desk in my sister’s old room when I heard a knock on the door. I really did not want to answer but I did. She opened the door and had a coy, almost coquettish grin on her face. I knew I was in for it but I really had no idea just how far in.

“I really have to teach you how to pee,”

she said with a silly grin on her face. 
 
As if I hadn’t heard what I clearly had heard, I replied,

“What?”

She said,

“I had to teach your step-father how to pee correctly too.”

As if that confession would relieve the retched strains of embarrassment I was now feeling. 

 
I was already broken, like a prisoner of war, and all I could muster was,

“We are not having this discussion.” 

That was it. She had, at the very least, just undone years of therapy. What a waste of time. Of money. And I had nothing left. Yet she went on.

“Alan, this is serious. You’ll ruin the marble floor! Marble is porous!”

I told her I’d be more careful and then, after she left and had closed the door behind her, I searched the floor for my balls.

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IM status. Why bother.

November 14th, 2007 No comments

I keep iChat open all day long. I use an Away Message, usually “Working” to let people know that I’m, well working. It’s supposed to keep the casual chatter at bay, keeping me from receiving needless interruptions. Does it work? No. It seems like it’s just an invitation for people to IM me with messages like “Hey” and “Hi.” It is, for the most part, those multitasking kids that are the worst offenders. What is not to understand about an Away Message? It seems self explanatory to me. But who knows…

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Enough with the Holidays Already!

November 14th, 2007 No comments

Halloween wasn’t even over before I started seeing Holiday ads (or as Wal-mart calls it “Christmas”) on TV. Enough already! Does anyone start their shopping this early in the season? No! They wait until the last minute like every year! We all know this yet this early proliferation of holiday ads continues. And all that means is that our narcissistic, I-am-what-I-buy culture is  being thrust into a maddening season of mass desperation and depression.

And, as I said to my friend Jim — a fellow Jew — enough with the silly gifts too! I don’t want them and quite frankly, getting presents during the holiday season is nothing more than an imposition. It also obligates me to fall to the out-of-control depths of American consumerism and that’s not right. Like we need an excuse to buy things? Our culture’s answer to everything — even terrorism — is to spend. New Yorkers remember but the fools in the middle of our country (that’s practically everyone!) that Giuliani’s answer to the destruction of the Twin Towers was, “Shop.” So enough with the holidays already!

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