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Jew Home Videos

March 13th, 2009 No comments

It’s got explicit language. It’s got a twirling penis. It’s got Asians. It’s got racism. It’s got fatties and alcoholics. You may even get violently ill thanks to some shaky videography.

Most importantly, this home video’s got Jews! Here’s “Jews On A Cruise” by Justin Ross Lee:

Facebook doesn’t officially allow embedding of videos, so here’s the link.

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Those Wacky Gentiles!

March 12th, 2009 1 comment

In direct contrast to the barrage of Borscht Belt-styled humor from ObsessiveJew.com’s own Capettawitz, Larry Silverman (such a nice Jewish boy!) has sent us Gentile jokes.

According to Larry, “The funny thing is that one really has to be Jewish, or some part thereof, to “get” these jokes. Very dry, but very funny!”

Let us know what you think.

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says,

“This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?”

The salesman says,

“It’s $500.”

The Gentile says,

“OK, I’l l take it.”

*********************************************************

Two Gentiles meet on the street.

The first one says,

“You own your own business, don’t you?
How’s it going?”

The other gentile says,

“Just great! Thanks for asking!”

**********************************************************

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.

Gentile mother 1 (said with pride):

“My son is a construction worker!”

Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride):

“My son is a truck driver!”

**********************************************************

A man calls his mother and says,

“Mother, I ! know you’re expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.”

His mother says,

“OK.”

**********************************************************

A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant.

The man says:

“I’ll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We’ll both have coffee.”

The waiter asks,

“How would you like your steak and salad prepared?”

The man says,

“I’d like the steak medium… the salad is fine as is.”

The waiter says,

“Thank you.”

***********************************************************

A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks,

“Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?”

She says,

“I’m feeling fine, and I don’t need anything. Thanks for calling.”

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The Luck of the Jews

March 6th, 2009 No comments

Another Borscht Belt-style yuck from Capettawitz:

The Good Luck of the Jews

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives”.

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

“Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,

“Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?

“Oy, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month,” he asks?

“Oy, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.

“I didn’t send that one, either..”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him,

“So, why did you kiss me?”

Abe answers,

“They’ll find us.”


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Disgusting Words We Hate

February 4th, 2009 1 comment

More “Disgusting Words We Hate”

Many months ago I told you how I hated the words ‘moist‘ — horrible and disgusting unless used to describe cake; and, ‘primordial soup’ — always disgusting. Always.

At ObsessiveJew.com, we never rest (we’d like to rest but of course we can’t. Why you ask? Because we’re trying to please you!) and are constantly compiling lists of annoying habits, complaints, extremely Jewy names, and yes, disgusting words we hate. (This list is still in formation, and will, most likely, never be complete. For that I feel terrible. Guilty as hell. Now I wish I hadn’t even brought it up.)

Instead of merely listing words that annoy me, I’m going to list words that annoy my dearest friends. The act of doing so might entertain others but will certainly further antagonize and alienate my friends — with whom I already have a tenuous relationship.

Again, I feel horrible about this but, as they say, if you can’t take a joke, get out of the kitchen!

Maria’s Most Hated Words: 

  1. Moist (We’ve covered this before.)
  2. Horny
  3. Box
  4. (Just an observation, but taken in order, 1, 2 and 3 do make for a perfectly disgusting trio!)

Jill’s Most Hated Word:

  1. Phlegm (Brilliantly disgusting! Brava Jill! This one, incidentally, is on my list too.)
Lee’s Most Hated Words:

  1. Panties
  2. Moist Panties (An interesting combination of two truly disgusting words and a term I’ll be adding to my list immediately!)
Drew G’s Most Hated Words:

  1. Vomit
  2. Mucus (Great variation of Most Hated ‘Phlegm.’)
Ggreg’s Most Hated Words:

  1. Cilantro (Ggreg hates this word because he has no taste buds. I don’t understand either.)
  2. Reggae (He says this about Reggae: “Actually reggae makes me cranky and squirmy, though not ska for some reason.”)
John’s Most Hated Word:

  1. Felch (This is just plain disgusting. Thank you John!)

Let us know your Most Hated words by leaving us a comment!


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Pope Putz XVI

January 29th, 2009 No comments

Putz is a Yiddish word that means penis. It is used to describe a fool or a jerk. It is the perfect word to describe The Pope, Benedict XVI.

Pope Putz

He has decided to embrace a Holocaust-denying Bishop in order to, in his words, rehabilitate him. The Pope lifted the excommunication of Bishop Richard Williamson, an ultra-conservative, who recently said “there were no gas chambers” during the Holocaust, and, according to the Huffington Post, the bigoted Bishop recently went on Swedish state television with his outlandish anti-Semitic claims. In the TV interview he said that historical evidence is “is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed.”

Here’s the Williamson interview on YouTube:

Every major Jewish group is demanding that Pope Putz reverse his decision. You can make your voice heard by visiting the Simon Wiesenthal Center‘s Website. You can also visit the Anti-Defamation League for more information.

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My big fat colonoscopy

January 15th, 2009 No comments

Jaffe's Colon
I’m currently not eating in preparation for the procedure. I’m not sure why they call this a fast when each moment without food feels like an eternity. Also what makes them think I want to be asleep when they shove something up my butt. They really don’t know me that well. Just kidding.

Actually I’m a top. As I say in my act — a Jewish top — a dreidel. Once a year someone takes me out and give me a spin.

A Jewish Top

Also in reference to the joke about Jews and abortion: Not only is it not wrong to have an abortion, a Jewish mother is technically allowed to nag the child to death until he’s 35.

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Music makes the world go around?

January 14th, 2009 1 comment

Jews love musicals. We love watching them, we love to sing along with our favorite show tunes, and, of course, we love writing and producing them!

Jews and Musicals

Asians, particularly Koreans, love Karaoke.

Jews love Asians.

Therefore, you must see this YouTube video of a Korean kid singing Mariah Carey‘s “Touch My Body” or, in Korean Karaoke, “Tuts My Barreh.” It is subtitled — in English — for your amusement.


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The Barry Sisters

January 12th, 2009 No comments

And now for some entertainment. Presenting The Barry Sisters (formerly The Bagelman Sisters):

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You Should Only Listen

January 10th, 2009 1 comment

The following are bits of living room chatter heard after a good Shabbath:

Malapropisms:

On the fabulous hour-long, season premiere of the female killer series Snapped on Oxygen (the best show I’ve seen in ages!), the prosecutor said that the perpetrator wished for the victim to be deceased.” Ah. edumacated White Trash prosecutors.

Erik was feeling horny. He expressed his ho-ishness by telling us, “I’m feeling so rancid!” We think he meant randy.

On Religion:

Jesus is not the Son of God. Like any other good Jewish mother, Mary treated him — her first born son — like god. The Apostles just misunderstood.

Scientologists are space alien-worshiping Freemasons.

Martha (not her real name): “In a weird way I wish Tom Cruise was dead.” Ed: “Don’t you mean you want him deceased?” (See above)

Absolutely Meshuga:

Martha: I’m obsessed with an obscure disorder. It’s called Pixie Face Syndrome.

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More Borscht Belt Humor

January 9th, 2009 No comments

More Borscht Belt yucks from Capettawitz.

 

They’re oldies but goodies!

 
 

A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’

The drunk says ‘Okay, let’s get started.’

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that ‘Won Ton’ spelled backward is ‘Not Now.’

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A: It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes.’

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.

A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘

Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak.’

The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’

She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’

The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?’

The mother answered, ‘Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, ‘What part is it?

The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband. ‘

The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’

For more on the Borscht Belt, check out Laugh.com.

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