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The Amazing Jew

August 24th, 2009 1 comment

Capettawitz just sent us another zinger!

This gem is called “The Amazing Morty.”

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

“Don’t Miss The Amazing Jew.”

The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the name, ‘Morty’ written on it.

After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded,

“Don’t Miss the Amazing Jew.”

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them.

The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show.

“You’re incredible,” he told Morty, “but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Vell, I tell ya sompin,”

said Morty,

“my eyes ain’t vat dey used to be!”

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Better but not good

July 22nd, 2009 No comments

I was listening to the news on NPR this morning and the anchor asked a financial analyst how the banks are doing with yesterday’s uptick in the Dow.

She answered,

“Better, but not good.”

I love that answer!

From now on I will, most likely, use that answer for everthing, particularly life’s most dreaded question: How are you?

“Better, but not good.”

Posted from my iPhone.

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Drive Jesus Drive!

April 23rd, 2009 No comments

I got this from Larry Silverman’s Facebook Notes. Not sure if he penned or pilfered it (like I just did). Maybe he’ll let us know.

What would Jesus Drive?

He might drive an old Plymouth because the Bible says “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

However, in Psalm 83, often called the “Prayer for Israel”, it is suggested that Jesus preferred the Pontiac and a Geo, for the passage urges the Lord to “pursue them with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.

Jesus apparently did not like Hondas. In the gospel of St. John, it is claimed that Jesus said “For I did not speak of my own Accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say.” No doubt, he would have had some apprehension about driving a Pilate.

After wasting a great deal of time researching Bible quotes and others’ thoughts on this subject, I have concluded that whatever car Jesus might drive, it will, no doubt, be a Chrystler.

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Jews on a Plane

April 23rd, 2009 6 comments

“Jews on a Plane”

Created by Kent Victor Schuelke and Written by Larry Silverman

Here’s the script:

“Why can’t I carry my bag on the plane?”

“What, no meal? I paid $300 for this ticket and all I get is a little bag of peanuts and a package of Biscoff cookies. I can’t eat the cookies. I have to watch my blood sugar.”

We got better service traveling to the camps than we get on this airline.”

“Stewardess, can I get a blanket?”

“Stewardess, can I get a pillow?”

“Two dollars for some earphones? You cheap bastards. Just give me the fakakta Sky Mall catalog.”

“I didn’t see the seat belt sign. I was in the bathroom. Forgive me for having a small bladder.”

“I should have flown Eastern Airlines to Miami. Now that’s an airline!”

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The Folks Visit LA: The Exodus

April 22nd, 2009 No comments

The Folks Visit LA “The Exodus”

This is the content of my Facebook discussion about my status message posted early today.

Alan Klein

Alan Klein Today is the final chapter of The-Folks-Visit-LA. Why is it a moral imperative for Jews to find restaurants even while at other restaurants? 10:32am


Larry Silverman
Larry Silverman at 10:37am April 22
9:30 in the morning and they’re already planning dinner? Yeah, those are some Jewie parents.
Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 10:41am April 22
Dinner?? Sure but they’re already planning tomorrow’s breakfast before they leave for the airport. And if they ask one more time how long it will take to get to Burbank airport….
Larry Silverman
Larry Silverman at 12:05pm April 22
Have they yet suggested a “dry run” to make sure you know how to get to the airport?
Lauren Kolman
Lauren Kolman at 2:37pm April 22
they just have to be prepared…any meal could be the last one…
Michael Lavinger
Michael Lavinger at 4:13pm April 22
while still attached to the web he’s swinging on, spiderman has to shoot his next web.

perhaps it’s related. after all, with great restaurants comes great responsibility.

Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 6:12pm April 22
So we finally settled on a restaurant for tonight. Now, by settled, I mean they changed their mind about 3 or 4 times prior to ‘settling.’ I’m happy with the pick though.

And, they did ask about the trip to the Burbank airport again. Not once. Not twice but 3 times. They’ve been asking not only me, but Lee and friends how long it takes to get to the airport from their hotel from the moment they landed here in LA. I’m sure they will ask again at dinner tonight. I’m shaking thinking about it.

Larry Silverman
Larry Silverman at 6:48pm April 22
Hotel? You made your poor mother stay in a hotel? oy.
Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 7:06pm April 22
OMFG! This is for their own good. Trust me.
Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 7:07pm April 22
They dropped me off no more than 30 minutes ago and they’ve already called to check on the plans.
Valerie Nuanes
Valerie Nuanes at 7:17pm April 22
Ok, so i’m late w/comments, but, did they ask you which was the best way to get to the airport and when should they leave because of traffic? Did they tell you what the traffic’s like at that time of day at home?
Alan Klein
Alan Klein at 7:27pm April 22
Yes, it was presumably about traffic. But it was asked and answered. Then it was asked and answered again. Asked and answered some more, then asked to several other people that answered the question. They asked their old friends. They asked me again. They asked Lee again. They asked the tour operator yesterday. When they met another friend earlier today, guess what they asked? And it was answered again. Then, in the car, just a little while ago, take a wild guess what came up? Not to be impolite, I answered. I’m going nuts because I can’t stop thinking that they will ask again, over dinner.

Lauren Kolman
Lauren Kolman at 7:06am April 23
i had the same experience…..ive lived here 9 yeaers…but my restaurant recommmendation wasnt good enough….my stepmother had to call three freinds and confirm my choice…
Tom Leone
Tom Leone at 2:23pm April 23 via Facebook Mobile
You should have yelled out “Burbank Airport? Where is that? (It’s now called the Bob Hope Airport). This would have led to another round of inquires and repetitive checking of tickets. 🙂
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A Penis Joke

April 22nd, 2009 No comments

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80’s and still gainfully employed as a salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy’s for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer.

“Goldstein,” the buyer says,

“You’ve been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Ok, so go ahead and send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose, to the tip of your penis.”

Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy’s receiving dock.

The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells,

“What’s going on?!?

I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full of ribbon!”

Goldstein replied calmly,

“The tip of my penis is in Poland.”

Thanks Capettawitz for Yankel and the Penis Joke!

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The NFL Makes Tsuris for Players

April 22nd, 2009 No comments

The NFL schedule is a problem for the Jets.

Watch this clip from Jimmy Kimmel Live:

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A Kick in the Nuts

April 22nd, 2009 No comments

Another gem from Capettawitz. This one is the late great Jewish comedian Buddy Hackett appearing on The Tonight Show, Starring Johnny Carson doing his bit, The Duck Hunter.

Watch. Click the frame below to Play:


Ahhhh!

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Invitation: Fluff and Fold

March 26th, 2009 No comments

Just wanted to remind everyone we are opening the first of 50 new laundromats in the San Fernando Valley and Brooklyn.  

Keep your eyes peeled and your tushies close to the ground.  I’ll have grand opening coupons for a free “fluff and fold” Fluff and Foldin just a few weeks when they get back from my Uncle Mishka’s printing press.

He’s having the whole thing overhauled in a few weeks right after his 106th birthday. What a blessing.  

‘Til then, a bi guzent…


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Who knew!

March 26th, 2009 No comments

What a surprise!!!  I had NO idea such a site existed.   I cant wait to tell the family, all 450 relatives.  Hopefully not everyone will post their thoughts at the same time.  U should kno from such a big family. Half of them are just under the age of 96.  The other half… who knows. And speaking of noses… My cousin rishka has a big one…  I’ll post a picture of that cutie really soon.  Til then have a pickle and a danish everyday.  It will help you balance your checkbook.  A bi gezunt….


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