I’m glad you asked. Leaf blowers. Yes leaf blowers.

It seems that every Mexican in Los Angeles County is required, by law, to carry one of these infernal devices on their backs.

And please don’t email me about being racist. In other parts of the world I’m sure white people, Asians and even Jews have these noisy, polluting pieces of shit strapped to their bodies but we’re talking LA here.

Admit it. I’m right.

These sloth-inspiring, gas guzzling, smoke spewing, loud-as-hell machines merely move leaves and other garden debris from a highly visible patch of yard to one that is not so visible (perhaps the neighbor’s yard?) — the backyard equivalent of sweeping dirt under the carpet.

But sweeping is usually not loud enough to wake the dead. Leaf blowing, by contrast, is.

Strangely, amongst the customary gear that gardeners tote around is a rake — a quiet and efficient leaf control device used for centuries. Rakes, like brooms, however, stay in a pile of never-to-be-used tools.

Another maddening fact about leaf blowers is that they are not just for leaves any more. I live next to a Standard Parking garage (I have a list of grievances for that company!) and they now use leaf blowers to blow candy wrappers and cigarette butts from one part of the garage to another.

Again, they never touch brooms. Instead, the Leaf Blower Brigade blows crap around Standard’s two neighboring structures on Sunday nights between the hours of 10:00 PM and 1:30 in the morning, waking neighbors, causing pets to bark and howl and me to whine incessantly to 311.

Do leaf blowers suck or is it just me?

Let me know how you feel about leaf blowers. Log in and leaf a comment.

Many months ago I told you how I hated the words ‘moist‘ — horrible and disgusting unless used to describe cake; and, ‘primordial soup’ — always disgusting. Always.

At ObsessiveJew.com, we never rest (we’d like to rest but of course we can’t. Why you ask? Because we’re trying to please you!) and are constantly compiling lists of annoying habits, complaints, extremely Jewy names, and yes, disgusting words we hate. (This list is still in formation, and will, most likely, never be complete. For that I feel terrible. Guilty as hell. Now I wish I hadn’t even brought it up.)

Instead of merely listing words that annoy me, I’m going to list words that annoy my dearest friends. The act of doing so might entertain others but will certainly further antagonize and alienate my friends — with whom I already have a tenuous relationship.

Again, I feel horrible about this but, as they say, if you can’t take a joke, get out of the kitchen!

Let us know your Most Hated words by leaving us a comment!

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Menus are becoming difficult as well. And, that can be life threatening. Should I order the wrong meal, then experience digestive tract issues (when don’t I experience digestive tract issues?) and then I can’t read the bottle of Pepto Bismol I’m likely to take not enough of the pink-tasting miracle (not a huge problem). Worse — god forbid — is if, due to my increasingly poor vision, I take too much. Who knows what can happen. I really don’t want to overdose on Pepto. It could be an intestinal disaster! And extremely embarrassing to boot!

They call what I have farsightedness (I don’t really understand that since it means that things close to your eyes become blurry) and there is no cure. There are no pills to take to reverse the affect. All these years taking antibiotics, allergy pills and stomach medicine and there’s no pill for this? How can there be no pills?

Apparently, not even the modern miracle of LASIK can help. LASIK is only effective for nearsightedness (only being able to see close to the eyes) and it doesn’t reverse diminishing eyesight due to age. So, I’m screwed.

Time for a new set of reading glasses.

Now, Fox Television’s “Family Guy” Peter Griffin take on getting LASIK, from a Jew no less (Click the image to Play):

Drive to a bar.  You’re done. Now turn on your ignition and cut across four lanes of traffic. But be on the lookout for pigs.

Ah LA. La La Land. You love it here because celebrities live and work here.  Their stars line a street while everyone serves them.

Fun. I know. Because you want to be just like them. And you don’t even know them.

Feels real, right?  

Well guess again.  You’re not the star of your own reality TV program, though it feels that way to you.  

But you’ll find that out the hard way, soon enough.  

You think I’m bitter?  Well maybe just a tad.  

They tell me I will love LA in the requisite two years it normally takes.  But why must I wait so long to like this place, I ask.  They never have an answer.  And I am always scolded for being such an obstinate New York asshole.

And again, I think to myself, that that’s not an answer.

I will try, I tell myself, to like LA.  Just to like it. To acknowledge the good things, like the weather.

But the weather is all I can come up with.  Then, as predicted, I go negative. Oy, the intellectual desolation and traffic. That’s pretty much all there is. Isn’t it?

No. That can’t be it. I know there’s more to Los Angeles.  Hmmmm.  If only…

Wait. I know. Randy Newman. I knew there must be something more!

Yeah. I feel better now.

Let’s do lunch!

They decided not to break out the birthday hats, horns and barbed wire and resisted the call of the Fatherland to wish a happy birthday to New Jersey’s own Baby Hitler. Walmart, however, showed their anti-Semitic roots by supplying the baby Brown Shirt and his parents with the Nazi-fied birthday treat. Unlike Shoprite, Walmart jumped to the chance to inscribe the cake to Adolf Hitler Campbell. WTF??

Well actually, it’s not that much of a surprise. Wallmart really hates us.

First they run their “Merry Christmas” assault on Jewish shoppers (and we do shop!). “Happy Holidays,” the inclusive seasonal wish, used comfortably for decades, is simply not Christian enough for Walmart. They see it, as do the Fox ‘News’ crew as an “assault on Christmas.” Hey idiots, it’s not an assault. It’s just that JEWS DON’T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, assholes!!

Walmart just has a thing for Nazis. They once sold tee shirts with Nazi symbolism emblazoned upon them. Strange. Walmart censors CD’s and DVD’s with adult content yet they sell tee shirts with Nazi shit on them? Do they really think that the Jewish community will lay down and take this? Don’t think you can fool us just because you’re selling shirts wholesale!

So go ahead Walmart. Ignore Chanukah. Sell Nazi tee shirts. And, by all means, decorate cakes for Adolf Hitler. But rest assured, we will not take your shit!

It’s simple: Walmart Hates Jews! (Oh, I now have the domain WalmartHatesJews.com. I welcome your opinions on how we can use the site to embarrass Walmart!)

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow weigh in:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Tucks Medicated Pads are so many kinds of wrong I become enraged just thinking about it!

 
So, I’ll make a list. Here goes:

1. It’s 50% Witch Hazel –Which I can buy in any store for next to nothing.

 

2. Most of the rest of the product is glycerin (for that slick feeling that never seems to go away) and alcohol (again, another product I can buy cheaply).

 

3. Tucks contains diazolidinyl urea (yuck!) — a preservative that releases formaldehyde! of all things!

 

4. The makers of Tucks, Pfizer, can’t decide if they their product provides hemorrhoidal or vaginal care (both are on the box) and I’m more than a little uncomfortable with that the confusion on this matter.

 

5. The box uses the term moist in reference to the pads and I hate the word ‘moist.’

 

6.  The pads themselves are, well, too moist (I really hate that word!). Each little pad drips like a leaky faucet.

 

7.  Pads come out of the container in clumps, not one at a time, which makes these babies prone to waste. Way to go green Pfizer!

 

8. Tucks pads are small and round and don’t make sense for tough jobs — if you know what I mean.

 

9. The smallness of the pads make them prone to finger slippage, which is, of course, never pretty.

 

10. The container itself is completely and utterly a design blunder by requiring two hands to open — one to unscrew the top and the other to hold the container. I don’t know about you, but I’ve already got a hand in use when I’m getting through sitting on the crapper.

Enough said.

(Click the thumbnails to see full size)

The Not-So-Perfect Storm

Beautiful you say? Here’s what I see:

1. Unpaved roads which means I have hardly a hope of release from my suburban prison today.
2. Massive delays on the Long Island Rail Road.
3. The horrifying possibility of having to shovel my parents driveway.
4. A black slushy mess awaiting me once I do get into the City.

My ex always said, “Most people like to see the glass as half full.  Pessimists see the glass as half empty.  Your family sees the glass as dirty.”

There are words and phrases that just plain bother me and I wish people would just stop using them, at least around me.

I’m going to get this list going. Feel free to add your own:

• Moist. It’s just plain disgusting unless used to describe cake.
• Primordial Soup. Again, it’s just plain disgusting when used to describe, well, anything. Yes, even on the Discovery channel!