I’d like to define a Jew Year’s Resolution as any promise you make to yourself in the next few days that you will fail to keep in the upcoming year, thus giving yourself one more reason to be disappointed in yourself.
For me, I’ve been concerned recently that I haven’t been worrying about the right things. In other words, instead of being concerned that I’ve been using pot as an anti-depressant — a reasonable health concern — I’ve been worrying these five extra pounds — not a reasonable health concern.
So in 2009 I’d like to resolve to use the time I spend worrying more constructively. I may even try “Jewish multitasking” — which would be worrying about more than one thing at a time.
And you? What are your Jew Year’s resolutions?
Leave us a comment and let us know! (Register using the link on the right-hand sidebar to comment.)
I was driving home form upstate just an hour ago listening too Christmas music on some upstate station, waiting for my favorite It’s a Holly Jolly Christmas. I just love when Burl Ives makes alcoholism sound so wholesome when he sings “have a cup of cheer!”
A cup of cheer? When I was a kid I thought he was referring to dish washing detergent. Now I realize he’s referring to getting shitfaced at a family gathering and messing with young female relatives who happened to wander beneath a plant hanging from the ceiling. A cup of cheer? How many heroin addicts tell their friends to “have a hit of cheer.” Or crackheads singing have a line of cheer.
Anyway, a lovely song came on the radio and I couldn’t quite place the voice. Male smooth. Fiftyish. Oh my god it was Barry Manilow singing something about the joy of seeing his savior face to face! Well I have to say it just didn’t work. I didn’t believe it. I mean, no matter now much Barry tried to convince me how happy he would be to meet the King of Kings — ehh!
The only King Barry Manilow ever met was King Kullen when he went shopping for matzo. So I said to myself, that has to be the worse choice of singers for that particular song. But then I remembered Barbra Streisand singing Little Drummer Boy on her Christmas album, wondering what she might bring to the Christ child and I changed my mind.
First of all Barbra is so cheap she’d go empty handed to a baby shower. So was Barbra the worse Jewish singer of Christmas Carols? I believe so, Unless perhaps Neil Diamond made a Christmas album. Overall I’d say the only thing worse that Neil Diamond singing Christmas carols in his raspy Jewish growl would be Golda Meir singing Little Star of Bethlehem.
In addition, I want to say the only thing stranger than a Jew singing Christmas carols is a Jew writing them. I know. I know. Irving Berlin made millions off White Christmas and that was a whole lot of Menorahs.
As is tradition for the Jewish people, after sundown tonight Jews will gather and eat treif in Chinese restaurants nationwide.
Then, as is commanded, we will go to the movies.
So, the ObsessiveJew.com poll for tonight is:
A Jew (and two goys) On Christmas
As is tradition for Jews on Christmas, we broke bread at a Chinese restaurant: Genghis Cohen in Hollywood.
So tell us, what do you want for Chanukah? And, how will you be spending the holiday?
Let us know by registering and leaving us a comment!
Keep in mind, we care about your needs, of course, but in this economy you shouldn’t expect any gelt from us. We’re just wondering.
You’ve probably kissed an Irish person after seeing one wearing this:
But if you’ve never hugged a Jew, now’s your chance!
My old high school buddy Lew invited me to participate in the “Official Hug A Jew Day” (the link is to the big event’s Facebook group). I can’t tell you how excited I am.
Well I’m not that excited yet because there’s still so much time until the big event. The event starts on February 2nd and ends February 3rd.
That’s not really all that much time is it? And I have so much to do to get prepared. What will I wear? Now I’m starting to worry. I may need that hug earlier than expected.
No, I’ll wait. I shouldn’t spoil the event.
Now here is how one celebrates Hug A Jew Day:
- Every Jew that you see you must address with a hug
- This is an events for everyone around the world, Jews and non-Jews to hug Jews.
- This group is for anyone to join, that is except Jew-haters.
- Jew, in this event includes any sect or part of Jewishness (half, quarter, traditional, conservative, reform, orthodox, chareide, chabad, ALL JEWS INCLUDED).
- Remember, invite all your friends and lastly everyone, HAPPY HUGGING!!
And, don’t forget this special note, also from the event’s Facebook group:
some religious jewish people can not touch the other sex so be careful if you have the slightest doubt you may want to ask them if you can hug them
To join the festivities, visit: Official Hug A Jew Day.
Oh, and of course, Jews have both February 2nd and 3rd off from work!